Feel like you aren't good enough, like the world is against you in a way?
I'm so sorry I've been away for so long my lovelies, it's been a difficult couple of weeks.
So I need your help. Are you ready? I need you to be my shoulder to cry on. I may simply be melodramatic, but I feel like I've hit a wall and theres no way to get passed it.
So he left. Jimmy got up and left. He said he wasn't feeling it anymore and left. I feel broken. I can't stand to look at other boys. I can't stand to live anymore. It hurts to breath and I seriously just don't want to do any of it anymore. I feel like he used me. Like I was just a little fling and he never really cared. Honestly I don't think he ever did.
The worst part is that he's able to just go back to normal life and act all cool about it while I'm dying inside. And when I get to the point where I think I'm going to be ok, I trip myself up and fall back into the deepest, darkest depression.
I just can't wrap my head around it. We were like two peas in a pod, he was the string to my shoe, the peanut to my jelly. We were and still are so perfect for each other, and yet he never gave me the chance to prove it to him. Whats worse is the reasons he gave for breaking up with me. They were things we could've talked about and worked out to make our relationship stronger.
As much as I blame myself for all of this, my ego kicks in and tells myself that eventually he'll realize what an idiot he's being and it'll be like a movie. But again, I doubt that'll happen, at least not that way. I want to move on and get better, but at the same time I don't think I'll ever be able to give up hoping that one day he'll realize his mistake and try and win me over. It's thoughts like these that make me stop and seriously think about it. If I were to go out and start anew, begin a relationship with someone else, would it really be fair to the other person? Would it be fair to fall in love with them when my heart's still broken? But then again, what if the only person who can fix my heart is the one who broke it? Am I doomed to be forever heartbroken over a guy who doesn't give two shits about me? That really isn't fair on my behalf.
I just want to go back and go on dates with him and get to know him. I don't need to be considered his girlfriend, they don't even need to be dates. I just want to be with him and be close to him. I mean,I wouldn't be opposed to being able to hug and kiss him, but it's not mandatory. I want him to want to get to know me. He makes me happier than I've ever been and I want to be able to do the same for him...
I also wish I had the balls to tell him all this. But I really don't want to seem like the crazy ex girlfriend. But I also can't tell anyone this because they'll just tell me to suck it up. And points where I've got enough courage to tell him one look from his blue eyes makes my tummy go into knots and my face turn red and my brain go numb and makes me want to cry and stop existing. It's especially the small things, like when I see him playing guitar or drums and how he used to make faces at me when he did that and now he doesn't, or how I can't just randomly go up and hug him or kiss him on the cheek. How that's considered wrong and socially unacceptable. How the way I feel is no longer allowed or unwelcome. I have so much love to give...
One of my favourite quotes goes a bit like this: "I may not have the prettiest face to kiss, or the smallest waist to hold, but I do have the biggest heart to love you with." and it's something I've felt agree with because it basically describes me. I may not be the prettiest, or the hottest, but if you give me the chance I'll prove to you that I love you and I'm worth loving.
Anyways, that's enough of my ranting. I thought you guys deserved to know what's happening in my life even if it makes me cry just thinking about it. If I could just get one wish, I'd wish that we could start again. Maybe then I could get him to give me the time of day. Or to get back together, kinda like this song by Blink 182. I've been listening to it a lot lately, even though it makes me sad. Enjoy my internet hipsters, just remember I love you no matter what. <3
