#teamteenageangst

Do you ever just feel shitty?

Like, you feel as if the general population has put your life on the back burner, not really seeing you or really giving a fuck about you?

Don't even lie, you know the feels. Everyone knows those feels at some point in their lives.

They suck, they're unwanted and for the most part just really depressing. Why do we feel this way? It's almost like we're on this emotional roller coaster called adolescence that we never wanted to get on in the first place.

Now, I might just be a mess of hormones, but I really don't think it's fair for people to give teenagers such a hard time. If you really think about it, it's genuinely surprising that we survive our teenage years in the first place! It's a time where our bodies are growing and maturing, and hormones are rushing through our system like the gates of hell themselves have opened up. Meanwhile, our teachers and parents want us to act all grown up, yet still be a kid and listen to them. It is the point in our lives where we have to find ourselves, and figure out what we want to do with our lives and get good grades and make friends and deal with everyone breathing down our necks, it's a miracle that we make it through without some serious repercussions!

Studies have shown that during our teenage years our frontal lobe is still developing and changing. This is the part of the brain where we're able to link our actions with the theoretical consequences. With this part of the brain we're able to plan ahead and figure things out for our future.

So, if this portion of our brain isn't even fully functional, WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY MAKING US MAKE DECISIONS THAT WILL EFFECT THE REST OF OUR LIFE?

Like, we as teenagers can't even BEGIN to fully grasp or comprehend how our lives will be changed based on what decisions we make now. What courses we take, where we go for university or college, who we hang out with, what activities we decide to partake in, and so much more can help make or break us and the path we take in life.

God, sitting here and just thinking about makes me so scared and depressed and stressed. I really don't want to grow up, and I don't want to have to face my responsibilities. I just want to pack a backpack, hop on my bike or in a car and leave for a while and just live with the clothes on my back and the money in my bank account. I want to go and scream and punch a wall and cry, cry so much about everything. I want to forget about everything and everyone and move to a different city, state or country and start all over again. I want to chuck my phone out the window, delete all my social media and fucking go out and talk to people, hug people, touch them and know they're real. I want to talk to them about my problems and fears, and I want to know if there are people out there with the same difficulties and issues.

In all honesty, I want a guy who will always be there, no matter what. I want him to help me through my darkest days, pick me up when I fall down, and know me like the back of his hand. I want him to believe in me and love me even when I'm at the breaking point. I want him to see me at my worst and at my best and all the points in between. Most of all I want him to love me for me and want to be with me as much as I want to be with him, and be willing to drop anything if I need him.

Well isn't that the poster child for proverbial emotional throw up? Please, hold your applause, I'll be here till friday, then theres no telling where I'll be. Thank you, thank you. You're really too kind. (If you can't tell I'm having a kinda shitty day in the emotions and feels department.)

On that note, I love you my lovelies, and if I do end up going away in the spur of the moment I won't leave you, I promise.

Have a good night, and sweet dreams beautiful,

xoxo

BUSYBUSYBUSY

Hello my lovelies,

I'm sorry I've been so busy, school is taking over my life right now. Tonight I have to babysit my kiddos (they aren't really mine, long story) and I don't know if I'll have the chance to write a long heartfelt and thoughtful blog, but I love you people so much I don't want to leave you with nothing. I want to give you your fix, so here's the second chapter to 21st Century Breakdown, as promised.

I'm so good to you people, you have to love me <3

Voilà!

Chapter 2

When Christian finally woke up, the first thing he noticed was the massive headache he had. What had happened? Where was he? So many unanswered questions. As he sat up, he realized he was in a small room. It looked like an office, but it had a small cot, a toilet and a tray with a loaf of bread and a glass of water on it. Again, the question popped into his head; where was he? Suddenly, he head the lock click and the door swung open. There stood Gloria. She had changed out of her hooded cloak and was now wearing a red t-shirt, black jeans and converse.

“Where am I?” He paused, “Who ARE you?” 

“Well good morning to you too” Gloria laughed. “I do believe you’ve earned an introduction. I’m Gloria, the leader of the rebellious group called the Undertakers.” She replied.

“Where am I?” Christian repeated himself.

“You’re in one of the abandoned subways, deep beneath the streets of New York City.” Said a tall muscular man who appeared in the door way.

“This is Jakob, a longtime friend of mine.” Said Gloria, turning the same shade of red as her shirt.

“”I’m the head of weapondry and relocation.” The man replied to Christian’s questioning looks. “In other words, I get to clean up the mess and turmoil this little she-devil causes.” He continued, patting Gloria on the back; in which Gloria acknowledged the gesture by turning even redder.

“I know this is all very confusing and I know it will take sometime for it all to sink in, but I would like to ask you a few questions, ALONE.” Gloria responded after regaining her composure, aiming the last words directly at Jakob.

“Ok, ok. Just give me a sec and I’ll be out of your hair. The guys down at the med center just wanted me to tell our guest to take it easy for the next little bit, and they asked me to deliver his clothes.” Jakob finished, spitting the last words out like they were poison.

He flung the package of clothing at Christian, spun around on his heel and walked off without another word.

“So, what is it that you need to ask me?” Began Christian.

“Oh, just need to know a little bit about your family, your past and home life.” She replied.

“So basically, you want me to tell you my life story, in exchange for nothing?” Christian replied shortly.

“Would you agree to do it in exchange for my story?” Answered Gloria.

“I guess that’s a fair trade… But I want to know the entire story, don’t leave anything out.” He finished.

An hour or so later, Christian was transported blind folded to what seemed to be a room far beneath the surface of the earth. It was a small room, about five feet by ten feet. There were no windows, and in the middle of the room was a small recorder on a plastic table, with two empty chairs on either side. Standing on the far right hand corner was Gloria.

“What’re you waiting for, the end of the world? Go ahead and take a seat. We’ll start soon.” Was all she said.

After what seemed like an eternity, Gloria finally took her seat. She clicked on the tape recorder and simply said, “Tell me a little about your childhood.”

“I was born in Oakland, California,” Christian began. “When I was five my family and I moved to New York for my father’s work. I went to a normal school, and I didn’t have very many friends, and was pretty much always alone. I made my way through middles school and high school but dropped out in grade 11. My parents were disappointed, but let me live at home. They were grateful for the extra income, because my mom had been fired from her job. She worked as a waitress. I work at a car repair shop. Ever since I was  little I loved to take things apart and figure out how they work. I remember one time, when I was seven, my dad got a new television. While he was at work, I was somehow able to pry off the back panel and figure out how it worked.” Christian grinned and chuckled. “Man, the look he gave me when he got home, I was never allowed to touch that TV ever again!” Christian finished with a laughed.

“That was a good start, do you have any younger siblings?” Continued Gloria.

Christian’s face clouded over and he was silent for a few seconds. I seem to have struck a nerve, thought Gloria to herself. After a while, Christian began.

“I did have an older brother. He was only a year older than me. One day we were playing at the park, my mom had gone back home to do something, I don’t quite remember what it was anymore. We were playing on the seesaw, when a man approached us. He insisted that we had to come with him, that our father was in the hospital because he had gotten into a car accident. He told us he was a friend of our father’s. Immediately, I knew that something was wrong. I knew my dad had taken the car to work, like he did every morning. My brother asked the man if our mom knew about the accident, and if so why wasn’t she picking us up. The stranger insisted that she was already at the hospital, and that they told him to come get us. My brother gave me an assuring look, and that told me everything was going to be alright.” Christians voice broke, and he paused for a couple seconds, regaining his composure. “It was then that I’ll never forgive myself. My brother told me that he would go with the man, and make sure mom came back to get me. He was only trying to protect me… That was the last time I ever saw him… alive. His body was found in the woods, strangled, cuts and bruises all over his body. We had the funeral a couple days after he was found, but I was too young to understand that he was gone forever. His killer was never caught, and if he ever is found, then I’m going to make him pay.” Christian finished, balling his hands into fists and shaking his head slightly.

Gloria realized that she had lifted a weight off Christian’s shoulders, and she probably wasn’t going to get anything else out of him today.

As she stood up to leave, Christian stood up hastily, in the process knocking over the chair he had been sitting on a minute before.

“Hey! What happened to our deal? You still need to tell me your story!”

“You really don’t get it do you?” Gloria spat, while standing up. “My childhood was filled with hatred and neglect. I felt what no child should feel, alone. I was un-wanted. My mother always told me I was a mistake. My entire life was like that, until I started to ask myself what I had to live for. I started doing drugs. I dropped out of school. By the time I was fourteen my mom told me to get a job or get out. So I ran away. I thought that by running, my problems would all just go away. Guess what-they didn’t. My life was quickly going downhill. I started smoking. I got in trouble with the government on more than one occasion. Finally, I realized that I needed help. That’s when I met Jakob. He was an orphan, but he wanted to help the world, not destroy it like I did. He convinced me to go back to my mom’s house and ask her to forgive me. I never got the chance. When I returned home, everything was gone. The Peacemakers found out that she was my mother, and because I was in trouble with the law, killed her. That’s when I joined the rebellion. I had nowhere else to go, and that’s where I find myself now. Head of the rebellion squad, but I still can’t kick nicotine’s ass. “ She finished and took out a cigarette, lit it and took a deep breath in.

As she walked out the door, Christian found himself lost for words. So much had happened in the last couple of hours, it was hard to take it all in. Just before the darkness over took him again, he saw two big men dressed in black, coming to escort him back to his cell-like room.

 Later internet hipsters, bye bye <3

Amazingly Depressing Day

"You fall in love like you fall asleep, slowly, then all at once."

Hello my lovelies,

So today I finished the most amazingly beautiful horrifyingly sad book I think I’ve read in my short existence on this earth. That book is “The Fault in our Stars” by the lovely man known as John Green.

I literally sat down with half the book left, and cried until the end. This book made me CRY. It is so beautifully written and yet so sad and dark at the same time. You feel like you’re reading someone most intimate thoughts, treading upon sacred ground that no one should set foot on. It is raw, unedited emotion, speaking of love and death.

Now, I’m not going to spoil it for anyone, but I sincerely believe that they should use this book in schools. It has ALL the feels in it and I believe everyone can truly relate to it somehow.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I cried about this book. I cried the entire second half of it, then I went and took a shower and cried in the shower for a while.

Now there has to be something symbolic about a girl standing in the shower, bawling her eyes out and just letting the water fall endlessly over herself, allowing it to gently caress her face and wash the tears away. I stood there for quite a while, letting the tears roll down my cheeks, contemplating life and death in this world.

I haven’t done this since the day it  hit me that my grandpa was dead. Sometimes it just feels good to let the tears flow, because you’re too numb to do anything else. It’s one of those moments where it’s as if the brick wall of reality hits you and knocks you down, hard.

It’s one of those times, where you don’t want anyone’s sympathy. Sure it really does suck, but some nameless person telling you they’re sorry really doesn’t help. Like, you had no part in the cause of my pain, why are you of all people saying sorry? Sometimes, all you need to do is cry, and cry until you can’t cry anymore, then cry a bit more for good measure.

That’s one of the main reasons I hate wakes. A wake generally takes place in funeral home, which is one of the most sickening places on the earth. Think about it, they make a profit off people dying and their loved ones mourning.

In any case, a wake is when the dead person is stuffed with sawdust and made to look all nice, then shoved in a coffin and put on display.  Then the poor family of the diseased has to stand around in uncomfortable clothing, while trying not to cry and thanking people for coming to pay their respects to the dead person. It’s all very sad and a horribly depressing environment to be in.

In any case, the book is beautifully written, a real diamond in the rough in literature these days.

Later my internet hipsters, I love you <3

Brain Dead

Hello my lovelies,

Today we iz gon try something different.

Wow, I think that sentence just gave me cancer.... Regardless, I'm having terrible bloggers block and my brain is literally a puddle on my bedroom floor I'm so tired. So here's a story I wrote a while ago, gimme some feed back, yo!

It's my take on the album 21st Century Breakdown by Green Day, I only did the first "act" of the album, if people are interested maybe I'll continue and write the others, eventually. But here's the first chapter.

Voilà!

Chapter 1

It was a dark October evening as Christian raced through the dark labyrinth-like alleyways of down town New York City. He feared the worst. Rumor had it that the government control group, the Peacemakers roamed the empty streets after dark searching for members of the rebellious group called the Undertakers.

Christian, of course, was not part of such a gang. It was unthinkable. His parents were good citizens, and he was raised to be the same.

The government had taken over when he was just a little kid. They had made it very clear that you were not to think, speak or do things out of turn. Christian had been taught this the entire 18 years he had been on this earth. He was your typical teenage boy of the 21^st century.

But when he turned the corner of 19^th and Broadway, his life changed forever.

There, standing before him were four masked figures. A dark black hood hid most of their faces; the only thing visible was a white mask. A smug smile covered their face, as if they knew something you didn’t.

“Look what we have here boys!” said the obvious leader to the others. “A little lost rebel. Maybe we should help him find his way back home!” The other three grunted in unison.

The masked figures headed in for the kill and like a mouse cornered by a cat, Christian found himself glued in place. His mind told him to run but his feet wouldn’t listen.

“B-but I am not a rebel!” he cried in dismay. “I’m only a working class citizen!”

“Oh are you?” sneered a masked figure. “And I’m the queen of England! Now stand still and it won’t hurt…much!”

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, another, more agile figure swooped down and landed in front of Christian.

“Leave that man alone, he’s with me!” the figure cried.

It was obviously a girl, Christian thought. But there was something in her voice that soothed Christian. It was confident, as if, Christian thought, she had done this before. When she reached for her hood, the four figures took a step back. Underneath the cloak was a young girl, about Christian’s age. She had jet black hair and red highlights. She was also wearing an American flag folded in half and tied across her face in the form of a bandana.

“Who…who are you…?” Christian asked.

As she reached for the bandana across her face, several other figures wearing the same cloak immerged from the darkness, and Christian noticed a long scar running down the side of her right cheek.

“I’m all that’s left of the American spirit, kid. The revolutionary, the rebel, the next Washington. But for practical purposes, you may call me…” GLORIA read the messy graffiti she written on the walls with red crayon.

“These are my brothers and sisters,” Gloria continued, motioning towards the other cloaked figures. “We defend the helpless and stand up for what we believe in. We don’t want to kill you, but we may have to.”

While Gloria had been explaining herself, she had carefully made her way across and in front of the four masked figures. As she took her final step, the four hissed, and vanished into the shadows.

“We came her to find and capture your rebels when we came across this young man. He was out after dark, roaming the streets in vain searching for something, or someone. We thought he was with you so we decided to erm, help him find his way home.” The leader concluded in an innocent tone.

“I don’t know who the hell he is!” Gloria replied.

“I have no idea who the fuck she is either!” exclaimed Christian. “I’ve never seen her in my life! I was just returning home from my night job. My parents are probably worried sick. I really should be going.”

As Christian made a move to leave, one of the masked figures jumped out of the darkness and grabbed him. He felt the cold, unforgiving metal of a knife prick his skin and the warm sensation of blood trickling drown his throat.

“Why don’t you stay a while?” His captive sneered into his ear.

“Your little friend isn’t going anywhere, Gloria. H’s coming with me and there’s nothing you can do. Unless, perhaps, you’re willing to make a deal? His life, for your life.” Answered the leader to Gloria’s unasked question.

“Oh, but we have you out numbered!” Gloria grinned triumphantly.

“That’s what you think…” came the short reply as a dozen other masked figures stepped out of the shadows, easily capturing the rebels.

Clearly, Gloria was losing her confidence. After a moments pause, a smile came to her face.

“I propose a duel” She said slowly. “If I win, you get me and my army. If I win, I get him and a safe passage home.”

“I accept.” Said the leader, already imagining the praise and admiration he would get for being the one who had captured an entire rebel army and had Gloria’s head on a stake.

“But,” Gloria continued. “You must swear on god’s honor that we’ll have a safe passage home.”

“That, I cannot guarantee, for there are other groups of Peacemakers that are not as forgiving as we are.” He finished.

“Whatever, let’s go.” Was Gloria’s short reply.

Christian, was of course faced the wrong way, so he had no idea what was happening. The only thing he could hear was the irritating sound of metal grinding against metal. They fought a long and hard battle. Finally, in the middle of an attack by the leader, Gloria was able to dodge and stab him in between the second and third ribs. He was losing blood fast. The rest of the Peacemakers had no idea what to do.  Finally, one shouted: “Quick, grab the boy and run!”

That was the last thing Christian heard before everything went black.

“Things aren’t going as you thought are they?” Sneered the now dying leader to Gloria. “Well, you never really had a plan in the first place, did you? I may be the one that’s dying, but you’re the one who is truly alone!”

Gloria was silent for a second, letting the words of the fallen leader sink in. Suddenly, through a fit of rage, she was able to disarm the Peacemaker that held her army, knock out the one holding poor Christian, hoist him over her shoulder and get her entire army running to safety.

As she looked back over her shoulder at the chaos and turmoil she had caused, she noticed that the dying leader was still laughing psychotically.

“Insane bastard…” she muttered to herself and focused on delivering her army to safety.

 Later my little hipsters<3 

xoxo

Dead Fish

Hello my lovelies,

Today I want to take the time to talk about mental health. Personally, I really do believe in order to be healthy and happy you need to be both physically and mentally healthy. There's no real physical proof of depression and most other mental illnesses because we still don't fully understand the inner workings of the brain.

It is mostly because of this that some people believe that mental illnesses are all made up. There is no proof that there is mechanically something wrong with your brain, so just suck it up and deal with it.

Stop being so depressed, there's nothing to be sad about.

It makes me so mad when people say that. You can't control how you feel. Hell, even the smartest scientists have no fucking clue how to do that.

I wouldn't say I have depression. Of course I've never taken the time to look into it, but I've survived this far. Not without some difficulties, mind you, but I've survived none the less. It's very difficult to explain how I feel sometimes. The easiest way to explain it to people, I've found is to refer to my feelings as fish.

Some days the fish are alive and well, they're swimming around and just having a dandy time in Fishland. Other days, it's not that simple. I get periods of time, usually a week or two, where the fish are just dead. There's nothing you can do to help them, they're already very dead. You can't give them CPR because rigor mortis has already set in. Talking about the fish, or trying to communicate with the fish isn't going to help them either. "Y'know it would be really great if you weren't dead and all, we can talk about your deadness, and figure out how to fix it and make it better." Like, as much as I adore discussing my fish with people, them telling me to suck it up, or to just ignore it doesn't help. Another thing I hate is when people just try and get me to use my fish when they're dead. Like, dude. They're VERY much dead, and them being dead and all makes it very difficult for them to function and all, because they're DEAD.

I'm not quite sure why this happens. Who really knows, I guess. Another thing that I seem to suffer from is an irrational fear of social interaction. I know I joke about it all the time, but meeting new people is a fairly stressful event for me. I adore meeting people at first. I love talking to them, and getting close, but if I sit down and start thinking about something, my mind just races and I freak myself out.

I don't mean like "Oh, there appears to be a dark shadow behind my curtain, OH MY GOD IT HAS TO BE A SERIAL KILLER." type thing, more like if I'm texting someone, and they don't text back I get very nervous and I guess anxious about it. I begin blaming myself for their absence and it just continues on a downward spiral until I break down and text them. It's horrible, and it makes me seem so clingy and annoying and I really hate it.

Another big thing is the fact that I genuinely believe that for emotions and stuff I don't have a filter, to decide what I should and shouldn't say. For example, if I like someone, I'm going to bloody tell them, regardless of if they like me back or not. It's just the way I am. Most people seem to think this straight forwardness is weird or creepy or clingy, but I really don't mean it to be. I'm just doomed to be socially awkward for the rest of my life, I guess.

I've also noticed that for the most part, or my experience at least, it's the fairly attractive people who have these kind of problems. Maybe it's just me, but for the most part the physically attractive people I've come in contact with are at least more open about their mental health than people who aren't, or consider themselves unattractive. I guess that makes sense, because in order to be able to talk about these types of things with others, you have to have fairly high self confidence.

I swear, I'm the biggest walking contradiction. I'm totally confident and I jump into things and I don't care what others think until I stop and actually process these things and then I'm freaked the fuck out and can't deal with it. I really do put myself in the worst situations...

On that note, good night my fluffy dolphins, sweet dreams and I love you <3