The other day I was sitting on the bus, minding my own business.
It had been a long day and I was excited to get home and relax.
And all I could think of was you.
I mean, it wasn't entirely my fault.
The human brain tends to link the sense of smell with important experiences,
and someone must have bathed in the cologne you used to wear.
And it really made me think about a lot of things.
After all the weeks, months, years
I still remember you.
I still remember the shade of your eyes,
The touch of your lips,
The way you laugh,
How you would pull me closer when we slept side by side.
You had found me at a time in my life where I needed you most.
We were young, and I was lonely.
You needed someone to love you, I needed someone to teach me how to love myself.
We were both people who had been broken before.
I'm still not sure if I meant as much to you as you did to me,
But I am so thankful for the time we did spend together.
As much as others hated you, and were against our relationship,
you were truly what I needed.
To me, you were gentle.
To me, you were the shelter my soul needed to rest and grow stronger.
And even now, I crave platonic attention from you.
You are a breath of fresh air, a familiar face in a time of so much unknown.
You were my first true love,
The first person I truly opened up to.
My darling, you will always hold a special part of my heart.
I wish you would let me into your life,
because I so want you in mine.
Be careful with me,
For I am fragile,
Treat me as you would a new born babe,
Love me,
Talk to me,
and let me do the same for you.
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
.
There was a girl
On the bus today
Who's simple imperfections
Made me fall in love
For a brief moment
As our eyes made contact
And she brushed the fly away out of her eyes
It made me reflect
On how intimate summer is
It exposes the true nature of our hair
The small imperfections of our skin
Clothes shrink
As the humidity expands
And makes innocent bystanders
Fall ever so slightly
In a fleeting moment
Head over heels in love
With girls on the bus
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Evil or Misunderstood?
Hello my lovelies,
Recently I've been thinking about either or not people are inherently evil or not.
It's a controversial topic, because people love to place the blame on someone and build up the image that this person is 100% evil. These people are in a sense scapegoats for the actions of many. A fairly common post I've seen circulating the interwebs is a photo set of Hitler posing with a bunch of children. For a lot of people this is shocking because in school we learn that Hitler is an evil, evil man who killed thousands of innocent people and was the driving force in World War 2. In reality, yes Hitler was a very bad man. But he was doing what he thought would improve his country. During that time Germany was in debt and people were suffering
In many cases, it's easier to blame things on other people. This allows for us to relieve some of the guilt we feel from past events. We're able to mentally eliminate any possible way we could've contributed to this horrible event. But, realistically, if we look at things from an unbiased view are people completely evil?
In order to fully discuss this you need to think about what the definition of evil is. Is it when someone commits an act of violence or harm on another, innocent person? Or does someone have to essentially live an evil lifestyle for them to be whole heartedly evil?
For the sake of simplicity we're going to say that being "evil" is when a person does something to harm another living being.
What got me thinking about this topic was a recent hangout with an old friend. Let's call him grá caite. So he and I have a lot of history, we used to date but now we're just very close friends. We went to the same high school and there he had the reputation of being in some forms "evil". He's had a couple run ins with the law, and he's gotten in many fights. From someone looking in we look like the weirdest and most unlikely duo, but somehow it just works.
In any case, whenever I tell my other friends that I hang out with him they can never understand why I still talk to him. "he's an asshole" "he's so mean" etc, etc.
Now see, they only see the outer workings of him. They only see the asshole persona he put on for most people. But like most people, if you get to know them and you get close to them, they'll eventually open up to you.
This is the case with my dear grá caite. Just recently he opened up and showed his true colours to me and that there was something so special and so personnel it fills my heart with warmth just thinking about it. There's something very meaningful behind someone opening themselves up to their most vulnerable state to you that I live for.
One of my coworkers once told me that I had a face that seems to make everyone just want to tell me their life stories. To many people that would be annoying, but to me that's a really big compliment. I like to think that I'd be there for anyone who needs me, all they have to do is reach out for support and I'd be there for them.
Regardless, till later my internet hipsters,
-Caitlin xoxo
Recently I've been thinking about either or not people are inherently evil or not.
It's a controversial topic, because people love to place the blame on someone and build up the image that this person is 100% evil. These people are in a sense scapegoats for the actions of many. A fairly common post I've seen circulating the interwebs is a photo set of Hitler posing with a bunch of children. For a lot of people this is shocking because in school we learn that Hitler is an evil, evil man who killed thousands of innocent people and was the driving force in World War 2. In reality, yes Hitler was a very bad man. But he was doing what he thought would improve his country. During that time Germany was in debt and people were suffering
In many cases, it's easier to blame things on other people. This allows for us to relieve some of the guilt we feel from past events. We're able to mentally eliminate any possible way we could've contributed to this horrible event. But, realistically, if we look at things from an unbiased view are people completely evil?
In order to fully discuss this you need to think about what the definition of evil is. Is it when someone commits an act of violence or harm on another, innocent person? Or does someone have to essentially live an evil lifestyle for them to be whole heartedly evil?
For the sake of simplicity we're going to say that being "evil" is when a person does something to harm another living being.
What got me thinking about this topic was a recent hangout with an old friend. Let's call him grá caite. So he and I have a lot of history, we used to date but now we're just very close friends. We went to the same high school and there he had the reputation of being in some forms "evil". He's had a couple run ins with the law, and he's gotten in many fights. From someone looking in we look like the weirdest and most unlikely duo, but somehow it just works.
In any case, whenever I tell my other friends that I hang out with him they can never understand why I still talk to him. "he's an asshole" "he's so mean" etc, etc.
Now see, they only see the outer workings of him. They only see the asshole persona he put on for most people. But like most people, if you get to know them and you get close to them, they'll eventually open up to you.
This is the case with my dear grá caite. Just recently he opened up and showed his true colours to me and that there was something so special and so personnel it fills my heart with warmth just thinking about it. There's something very meaningful behind someone opening themselves up to their most vulnerable state to you that I live for.
One of my coworkers once told me that I had a face that seems to make everyone just want to tell me their life stories. To many people that would be annoying, but to me that's a really big compliment. I like to think that I'd be there for anyone who needs me, all they have to do is reach out for support and I'd be there for them.
Regardless, till later my internet hipsters,
-Caitlin xoxo
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Gateway to Happiness
My lovelies, I'm fed up.
Yes I know, not the usual introductory sentence but hey, it speaks the upmost truth.
I'm so done with romanticizing and allowing my happiness to be put in control of others.
Yeah, I know this is all very sudden, just bare with me.
So last night I was minding my own business, sleeping and shit when my brain decided that it was a good time to plague my dreams with the though of Saint Jimmy.
I know what you're thinking. "Oh god, here we go again. She's off on another rant about a boy she never had a chance with in the first place."
First of all, you're only partially right. I've come to the realization that my relationship with Saint Jimmy was doomed from the start, that there was no way we could last. We were such different people with such diverse opinions and strong personalities that we clashed. We tore each other down as we were building each other up. It was toxic and scary.
Now all of that to say, that didn't mean it wasn't REAL.
Adults always say that teenagers are too young to feel real emotions, that the hormones that run rampant in our blood stream cause us to be melo-dramatic. That our brain still isn't fully formed, thus we can't even fathom the intensity of emotions and responsibilities.
I'd just like to put it out there that they're WRONG.
Regardless of my age I have felt the overwhelming power of love, and the devastating reality of heartbreak. I may still be maturing and growing, but that doesn't cast a haze on one of the most powerful emotions known to mankind.
Another misconception of love is that it needs time to grow and mature as well.
"Oh you guys only dated for x many months, it can't have been real love."
"If you guys really did love one another you would've lasted longer"
I have had the pleasure and the pain of experiencing many a relationship and breakup in my short time on this earth. One relationship laster for almost 10 months and I can honestly say I did not love that guy. One lasted a little over a month and I can just as honestly state that I loved that man with every ounce of my being.
Time and age are not a factor that determines how someone feels.
Another thing I've come to realize is that the most devastating thing you can do to yourself is give someone the credit of your happiness.
Last year I went through the toughest year of my life up until this point. I had lost myself, my motivation and my will to continue my sorry excuse for a life.
Many days instead of going to class I would go to a park near my house and gaze up at the sky wondering why I was put on this earth. I began to blame myself for things that were completely out of my control, like my grandpa's death. I didn't care about school or grades or having a future. Most of the time I felt numb to the world, like I had forgotten hoe to feel. When I didn't feel numb I felt the saddest I had ever felt. It was as if there was a black hole in my chest that ate away at my life force and my will to continue.
Through all of this there was one person who didn't hesitate to crack jokes non stop.
That was Saint-Jimmy. He doesn't realize it, nor will he probably ever know but he is what got me through last year. That, and the unconditional love I received from my friends when I finally found the courage to open up to them.
Unknowingly I had put the source of my happiness in the hands of Saint Jimmy. He became my reason to smile, the gateway to feeling some sort of emotion other than sad. He was the world I wanted to live in. It was like going to the zoo in order to get a glimpse of the snake in the reptile enclosure. You knew it was always going to be there, but there were times it was closed, or you couldn't see it.
I became dependant on his ability to make me feel. He was my drug of choice. He held the key to unlocking that part of me that I had lost what seemed like years ago. I needed him.
That just made it all the more devastating when he left.
What happens, might I ask you, if you take away a junkie's fix?
How long are they able to cope before it drives them to insanity?
It's been over a year now, and I've learned to cope.
No, it wasn't easy. No, it wasn't a complete success story. No I'm not better, I'm just surviving.
How did this all come to mind, you may ask. Why is it resurfacing now? Don't you have other things to occupy your time?
Well, last night I dreamt that we had been able to work out our differences, that Saint Jimmy and I were finally happy.
Then I woke up.
It was like ripping a bandaid off slowly.
I'm not going to lie, I cried. I don't know if it was from the sadness of waking up from happiness, or from the utter humiliation and frustration I felt in light of it.
I absolutely HATE the fact that he still makes me this happy.
I HATE the fact that my brain is still idolizing him and romanticizing a relationship with him.
I HATE the fact that my brain can't just forget it ever happened because he was the source of my joy for a period of time.
But, realistically, what can you do...?
This is why I've decided that this year is the year of me.
This is the year I take better care of myself. This is the year I learn to finally love and accept myself. This is the year I figure out how to make me happy.
This is the year I find a new, dependable source of happiness, be it art or otherwise.
I am going to love myself, and from there beautiful things can begin to happen.
Thank you my Internet Hipsters, and good night <3
-Caitlin xoxo
Yes I know, not the usual introductory sentence but hey, it speaks the upmost truth.
I'm so done with romanticizing and allowing my happiness to be put in control of others.
Yeah, I know this is all very sudden, just bare with me.
So last night I was minding my own business, sleeping and shit when my brain decided that it was a good time to plague my dreams with the though of Saint Jimmy.
I know what you're thinking. "Oh god, here we go again. She's off on another rant about a boy she never had a chance with in the first place."
First of all, you're only partially right. I've come to the realization that my relationship with Saint Jimmy was doomed from the start, that there was no way we could last. We were such different people with such diverse opinions and strong personalities that we clashed. We tore each other down as we were building each other up. It was toxic and scary.
Now all of that to say, that didn't mean it wasn't REAL.
Adults always say that teenagers are too young to feel real emotions, that the hormones that run rampant in our blood stream cause us to be melo-dramatic. That our brain still isn't fully formed, thus we can't even fathom the intensity of emotions and responsibilities.
I'd just like to put it out there that they're WRONG.
Regardless of my age I have felt the overwhelming power of love, and the devastating reality of heartbreak. I may still be maturing and growing, but that doesn't cast a haze on one of the most powerful emotions known to mankind.
Another misconception of love is that it needs time to grow and mature as well.
"Oh you guys only dated for x many months, it can't have been real love."
"If you guys really did love one another you would've lasted longer"
I have had the pleasure and the pain of experiencing many a relationship and breakup in my short time on this earth. One relationship laster for almost 10 months and I can honestly say I did not love that guy. One lasted a little over a month and I can just as honestly state that I loved that man with every ounce of my being.
Time and age are not a factor that determines how someone feels.
Another thing I've come to realize is that the most devastating thing you can do to yourself is give someone the credit of your happiness.
Last year I went through the toughest year of my life up until this point. I had lost myself, my motivation and my will to continue my sorry excuse for a life.
Many days instead of going to class I would go to a park near my house and gaze up at the sky wondering why I was put on this earth. I began to blame myself for things that were completely out of my control, like my grandpa's death. I didn't care about school or grades or having a future. Most of the time I felt numb to the world, like I had forgotten hoe to feel. When I didn't feel numb I felt the saddest I had ever felt. It was as if there was a black hole in my chest that ate away at my life force and my will to continue.
Through all of this there was one person who didn't hesitate to crack jokes non stop.
That was Saint-Jimmy. He doesn't realize it, nor will he probably ever know but he is what got me through last year. That, and the unconditional love I received from my friends when I finally found the courage to open up to them.
Unknowingly I had put the source of my happiness in the hands of Saint Jimmy. He became my reason to smile, the gateway to feeling some sort of emotion other than sad. He was the world I wanted to live in. It was like going to the zoo in order to get a glimpse of the snake in the reptile enclosure. You knew it was always going to be there, but there were times it was closed, or you couldn't see it.
I became dependant on his ability to make me feel. He was my drug of choice. He held the key to unlocking that part of me that I had lost what seemed like years ago. I needed him.
That just made it all the more devastating when he left.
What happens, might I ask you, if you take away a junkie's fix?
How long are they able to cope before it drives them to insanity?
It's been over a year now, and I've learned to cope.
No, it wasn't easy. No, it wasn't a complete success story. No I'm not better, I'm just surviving.
How did this all come to mind, you may ask. Why is it resurfacing now? Don't you have other things to occupy your time?
Well, last night I dreamt that we had been able to work out our differences, that Saint Jimmy and I were finally happy.
Then I woke up.
It was like ripping a bandaid off slowly.
I'm not going to lie, I cried. I don't know if it was from the sadness of waking up from happiness, or from the utter humiliation and frustration I felt in light of it.
I absolutely HATE the fact that he still makes me this happy.
I HATE the fact that my brain is still idolizing him and romanticizing a relationship with him.
I HATE the fact that my brain can't just forget it ever happened because he was the source of my joy for a period of time.
But, realistically, what can you do...?
This is why I've decided that this year is the year of me.
This is the year I take better care of myself. This is the year I learn to finally love and accept myself. This is the year I figure out how to make me happy.
This is the year I find a new, dependable source of happiness, be it art or otherwise.
I am going to love myself, and from there beautiful things can begin to happen.
Thank you my Internet Hipsters, and good night <3
-Caitlin xoxo
Friday, November 28, 2014
Death, Love and other Drugs
Hello my lovelies,
Lately I've been thinking about death a lot. Not in the deep, meaningful "what is life but to die" kind of way, but more of all the people I've lost to death itself.
I think this all started because I've been having a lot of dreams about two brothers who used to do Taekwondo with me and my mom. The older one was always super condescending and mean towards me because I was a girl and he seemed to believe that meant I couldn't do things as well as guys my age. The younger, on the other hand was a very quiet, very shy guy. He was actually really cute and sweet and I had a terrible crush on him and would try and talk to him as much as his shy nature allowed me to.
He and I had a fairly good friendship going, (and by that I mean we talked for about 5 minutes before and after class about shoes and books, then sometimes talked online in our spare time) when we went and tested for our black belts together. That was something special for everyone, and a really major accomplishment for everyone involved.
Sadly, after we all received our black belts the cute boy stopped coming to class and stopped using MSN.
Now I bet you're wondering, RockinBlondeChick, what on earth does this little story have to do with death? Losing a friend because you lost contact is nothing compared to someone dying!
Well, my little hipsters of the internet, the story sadly doesn't stop after we lost contact.
Through the magical powers of the internet that bring this depressing blog to your beautiful faces, I was able to reconnect with the older brother, but not the younger one. Due to his past disregard of y existence, I didn't feel comfortable asking about the younger one and continued on with my life.
That was, until this time last year when I got the tragic news that the older one got hit by a car while going to the grocery store and was in the hospital in a coma on life support.
Now, I'm not old. I have only been on this planet for 18 years and I have only attended a handful of funerals. By sheer luck only one of those was for someone who meant the world to me. Because of this I haven't experienced this kind of heartbreak.
Now, I don't know about you guys but I cry A LOT. Like, a seemingly unhealthy amount of my life is spent pretending to be a fountain. But for some reason I don't cry at funerals. I mean, I guess I didn't. When my mom and I attended this funeral I had stopped going to Taekwondo for about a year or so, so I hadn't seen many of the people I used to call family for quite a while. Well, when I stepped into that funeral home and saw the person who was basically the equivalent of my older brother I started to cry and didn't stop until the ceremony was over.
I mean, I'm not ashamed by this fact. A young man who had his whole life in front of him was dead because some idiot woman was distracted by something and went around a corner too fast. That's tragic, and heart breaking. But I hadn't talked to this guy in over 2 years, and when I did know him, he was a major poop hole.
Maybe the whole atmosphere was depressing, but something gave it a bit of a silver lining. His little brother was at the funeral. I mean, he isn't little anymore and he has grown into a very handsome young man. He was very pleasant to the eye and I did find myself blushing a WHOLE lot while talking to him. We exchanged phone numbers and just kind of picked up where we left off. It was wonderful and it made me feel a lot better. I was glad to offer support to him when he needed and multiple times we tried to hand out, but they all kind of fell through because he went to school so far away.
We used to spend a major portion of our day texting one another and it made me so happy to have reconnected with him, but then one day it just kind of stopped. that day turned into a week, then two weeks, then a month, then multiple months and now it's coming close to a year.
In any case, as I was saying before I've been having a dream almost every night about hanging out with the two brothers, like nothing ever changed. I wake up in tears and it leaves a big pit in the bottom of my stomach. I wish I could contact him somehow, and I wish we could hang out like we planned to do so long ago.
So I guess this is me to you Julian Moran, you're a wonderful guy and I hope life has been good to you. Through this tough time of year that little girl who annoyed you all the time, and loved your converse wishes you the best. There's always going to be a little bit of my heart that belongs to you, regardless of how many months or years it's bee. You'll always have a friend here <3
Okay, now that I've been reduced to a puddle of tears and snot, good night my lovelies. Until next time my babies,
-Caitlin XOXOXO
Lately I've been thinking about death a lot. Not in the deep, meaningful "what is life but to die" kind of way, but more of all the people I've lost to death itself.
I think this all started because I've been having a lot of dreams about two brothers who used to do Taekwondo with me and my mom. The older one was always super condescending and mean towards me because I was a girl and he seemed to believe that meant I couldn't do things as well as guys my age. The younger, on the other hand was a very quiet, very shy guy. He was actually really cute and sweet and I had a terrible crush on him and would try and talk to him as much as his shy nature allowed me to.
He and I had a fairly good friendship going, (and by that I mean we talked for about 5 minutes before and after class about shoes and books, then sometimes talked online in our spare time) when we went and tested for our black belts together. That was something special for everyone, and a really major accomplishment for everyone involved.
Sadly, after we all received our black belts the cute boy stopped coming to class and stopped using MSN.
Now I bet you're wondering, RockinBlondeChick, what on earth does this little story have to do with death? Losing a friend because you lost contact is nothing compared to someone dying!
Well, my little hipsters of the internet, the story sadly doesn't stop after we lost contact.
Through the magical powers of the internet that bring this depressing blog to your beautiful faces, I was able to reconnect with the older brother, but not the younger one. Due to his past disregard of y existence, I didn't feel comfortable asking about the younger one and continued on with my life.
That was, until this time last year when I got the tragic news that the older one got hit by a car while going to the grocery store and was in the hospital in a coma on life support.
Now, I'm not old. I have only been on this planet for 18 years and I have only attended a handful of funerals. By sheer luck only one of those was for someone who meant the world to me. Because of this I haven't experienced this kind of heartbreak.
Now, I don't know about you guys but I cry A LOT. Like, a seemingly unhealthy amount of my life is spent pretending to be a fountain. But for some reason I don't cry at funerals. I mean, I guess I didn't. When my mom and I attended this funeral I had stopped going to Taekwondo for about a year or so, so I hadn't seen many of the people I used to call family for quite a while. Well, when I stepped into that funeral home and saw the person who was basically the equivalent of my older brother I started to cry and didn't stop until the ceremony was over.
I mean, I'm not ashamed by this fact. A young man who had his whole life in front of him was dead because some idiot woman was distracted by something and went around a corner too fast. That's tragic, and heart breaking. But I hadn't talked to this guy in over 2 years, and when I did know him, he was a major poop hole.
Maybe the whole atmosphere was depressing, but something gave it a bit of a silver lining. His little brother was at the funeral. I mean, he isn't little anymore and he has grown into a very handsome young man. He was very pleasant to the eye and I did find myself blushing a WHOLE lot while talking to him. We exchanged phone numbers and just kind of picked up where we left off. It was wonderful and it made me feel a lot better. I was glad to offer support to him when he needed and multiple times we tried to hand out, but they all kind of fell through because he went to school so far away.
We used to spend a major portion of our day texting one another and it made me so happy to have reconnected with him, but then one day it just kind of stopped. that day turned into a week, then two weeks, then a month, then multiple months and now it's coming close to a year.
In any case, as I was saying before I've been having a dream almost every night about hanging out with the two brothers, like nothing ever changed. I wake up in tears and it leaves a big pit in the bottom of my stomach. I wish I could contact him somehow, and I wish we could hang out like we planned to do so long ago.
So I guess this is me to you Julian Moran, you're a wonderful guy and I hope life has been good to you. Through this tough time of year that little girl who annoyed you all the time, and loved your converse wishes you the best. There's always going to be a little bit of my heart that belongs to you, regardless of how many months or years it's bee. You'll always have a friend here <3
Okay, now that I've been reduced to a puddle of tears and snot, good night my lovelies. Until next time my babies,
-Caitlin XOXOXO
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
King of Contradiction
Sooooo, I'm back. With guess what, boy trouble. I will NEVER understand the male race, or really other people in general, they make everything so complex it's not even funny.
So I met this guy called Denver through my university's social group. He was cool, and we had deep discussions and texted every day and face timed sometimes and it was great, I felt like we really had a bond.
Of course, I had never met him in person, but we had video chatted so I wasn't afraid of a catfish or anything.
He was from a small town and he likes comic books and he seemed really sweet and nice. Of course there was the added bonus that he was cute and he thought I was and there was some harmless flirting going on, but just enough to form a great friendship, or so I thought.
The problems started when we actually met. He was exactly who he said he was, and I have no complaints whatsoever about that. He's different, but a good sort of special different which you don't find very often.
So we started hanging out and texting less. I started to make plans with him and that continued. It feels like I'm the only one making plans and it's totally one sided.
But you see, I should tell you something I very quickly found out. Denver is the KING of mixed signals.
We're both very physical people so naturally cuddling is nice, and it's supposedly platonic and doesn't mean anything blah blah blah, but he'll do little things to make me question if that statement is true, like lace his fingers in mine. Or brush his hand against exposed skin gently.
Like, to me those things are SPECIAL. Those are loving little motions that let the other person know you're thinking about them and you want them to know you enjoy their company. Yet they seem common place for him???
And then he'll say stuff like "I really like it when you stay over" or "why do you never pay attention to me?" and it's just like, what are you trying to get at, kid.
There's ALSO the problem with sexual contact. There was an incident where in short terms he touched my butt a bit too much and I told him off, his response was "you make it difficult to be good". Or recently he's been enjoying, for lack of a better word, slapping my ass. Like, I don't mind it, if I was single I would definitely reciprocate, but I have no idea where this relationship lies.
That's my min problem, I guess. It's one I've always had. I don't know how he really feels about me, and I don't know how I can find out without seeming weird.
The dynamic works, and I enjoy my time with him, I just gives me quite the headache thinking about it in my spare time.
But again, that is one of my many fatal flaws. Over thinking EVERYTHING. It'll get better and I'll figure it out.
Talk to you soon my internet hipsters,
Caitlin xoxo
So I met this guy called Denver through my university's social group. He was cool, and we had deep discussions and texted every day and face timed sometimes and it was great, I felt like we really had a bond.
Of course, I had never met him in person, but we had video chatted so I wasn't afraid of a catfish or anything.
He was from a small town and he likes comic books and he seemed really sweet and nice. Of course there was the added bonus that he was cute and he thought I was and there was some harmless flirting going on, but just enough to form a great friendship, or so I thought.
The problems started when we actually met. He was exactly who he said he was, and I have no complaints whatsoever about that. He's different, but a good sort of special different which you don't find very often.
So we started hanging out and texting less. I started to make plans with him and that continued. It feels like I'm the only one making plans and it's totally one sided.
But you see, I should tell you something I very quickly found out. Denver is the KING of mixed signals.
We're both very physical people so naturally cuddling is nice, and it's supposedly platonic and doesn't mean anything blah blah blah, but he'll do little things to make me question if that statement is true, like lace his fingers in mine. Or brush his hand against exposed skin gently.
Like, to me those things are SPECIAL. Those are loving little motions that let the other person know you're thinking about them and you want them to know you enjoy their company. Yet they seem common place for him???
And then he'll say stuff like "I really like it when you stay over" or "why do you never pay attention to me?" and it's just like, what are you trying to get at, kid.
There's ALSO the problem with sexual contact. There was an incident where in short terms he touched my butt a bit too much and I told him off, his response was "you make it difficult to be good". Or recently he's been enjoying, for lack of a better word, slapping my ass. Like, I don't mind it, if I was single I would definitely reciprocate, but I have no idea where this relationship lies.
That's my min problem, I guess. It's one I've always had. I don't know how he really feels about me, and I don't know how I can find out without seeming weird.
The dynamic works, and I enjoy my time with him, I just gives me quite the headache thinking about it in my spare time.
But again, that is one of my many fatal flaws. Over thinking EVERYTHING. It'll get better and I'll figure it out.
Talk to you soon my internet hipsters,
Caitlin xoxo
Monday, September 22, 2014
Happy Birthday
Oh my darlings it's been so long... I'm truly sorry!
Wow, it's been like 9 months since I last posted here. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I'm really sorry.
SOOOOO much has happened, and so much has changed and I found myself lying in a friends bed staring out the large window both trying to muster up the internal strength to close the damn blinds because it was so sunny and thinking about the complexities of the universe.
Also kicking myself for not writing sooner.
I also came to the sudden realization that very soon it'll be a year since St. Jimmy walked into my life and then promptly walked out and slammed the door, and I mean, that wound should have healed but it seems to be still fresh just under the surface.
Yeah, yeah I know. He's a dick, and I don't need that negativity in my life wondering what if and if only, but I'm only human and I seem to do that with everything. It is one of my many flaws, I over analyze and think about situations until it drives me mad.
As for other changes, hmmm....
I started university, I mean that's pretty cool right? It's a lot of work, and really tiring but so much fun and most of all FREEDOM.
I can just get up and go for a walk in the middle of the night if I'm over thinking things and feel the cool air on my face and just, breath. I've met so many new people and made so many friendships I hope to keep and it's exhilarating and exciting and scary all at once. I've never been so physically close to so many people yet felt this alone, and I don't know if I like it or not.
And on a side note I walked in on my roommate having sex so I think I'll be taking a LOT more walks especially if she has boys around...
That's the thing tho, because we're "adults" (and I use that term very lightly, I still get my mom to do a lot of my laundry) there's SO much more sex that is happening. I don't want to sound jaded or whatever, but it doesn't really faze me anymore. Maybe it's from working the summer (where we had at least two incidents where people might have possibly had sex in our sauna) or the fact that I'm growing up and people always seem to be very open and honest with me, but sex is fairly common place now. I'm not complaining, and I feel like people take me more seriously now than they ever did, it's just a change I'm going to have to get used to.
I've also come to the epiphany that I don't need to keep people who make me feel bad about myself/my body/my emotional state/really anything about me in my life, and it have been VERY liberating.
I also find that I've moved on from the small pond of friends which I had in high school and I've grown as an individual through having to friend my own group of people which I WANT to hang out with. I still love June and Mickey to utter death, but a lot of the people I wanted to be around in high school I feel no need to talk or see them anymore. I'll say it now and I'll say it again, with a lot of those people the relationship felt one sided, and a lot of the time it felt like I was the one out of the two of us that was going through the motions and not going anywhere.
As the amazingly beautiful Billie Joe Armstrong said so eloquently,
"We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going over and over and over, roller coaster.
Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice.
I'm speechless and redundant.
'Cause I love you's not enough.I'm lost for words."
That is honestly how I felt the home stretch of high school and I'm so happy it's over and I can move on with my life. But at the same time it's bitter sweet and I will miss all those who did mean something to me at a point of time in my life. I wish them all the best in their future, wherever it may take them,and if they wish to reconnect at some point they know exactly where to find me.
Wow, it's been like 9 months since I last posted here. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I'm really sorry.
SOOOOO much has happened, and so much has changed and I found myself lying in a friends bed staring out the large window both trying to muster up the internal strength to close the damn blinds because it was so sunny and thinking about the complexities of the universe.
Also kicking myself for not writing sooner.
I also came to the sudden realization that very soon it'll be a year since St. Jimmy walked into my life and then promptly walked out and slammed the door, and I mean, that wound should have healed but it seems to be still fresh just under the surface.
Yeah, yeah I know. He's a dick, and I don't need that negativity in my life wondering what if and if only, but I'm only human and I seem to do that with everything. It is one of my many flaws, I over analyze and think about situations until it drives me mad.
As for other changes, hmmm....
I started university, I mean that's pretty cool right? It's a lot of work, and really tiring but so much fun and most of all FREEDOM.
I can just get up and go for a walk in the middle of the night if I'm over thinking things and feel the cool air on my face and just, breath. I've met so many new people and made so many friendships I hope to keep and it's exhilarating and exciting and scary all at once. I've never been so physically close to so many people yet felt this alone, and I don't know if I like it or not.
And on a side note I walked in on my roommate having sex so I think I'll be taking a LOT more walks especially if she has boys around...
That's the thing tho, because we're "adults" (and I use that term very lightly, I still get my mom to do a lot of my laundry) there's SO much more sex that is happening. I don't want to sound jaded or whatever, but it doesn't really faze me anymore. Maybe it's from working the summer (where we had at least two incidents where people might have possibly had sex in our sauna) or the fact that I'm growing up and people always seem to be very open and honest with me, but sex is fairly common place now. I'm not complaining, and I feel like people take me more seriously now than they ever did, it's just a change I'm going to have to get used to.
I've also come to the epiphany that I don't need to keep people who make me feel bad about myself/my body/my emotional state/really anything about me in my life, and it have been VERY liberating.
I also find that I've moved on from the small pond of friends which I had in high school and I've grown as an individual through having to friend my own group of people which I WANT to hang out with. I still love June and Mickey to utter death, but a lot of the people I wanted to be around in high school I feel no need to talk or see them anymore. I'll say it now and I'll say it again, with a lot of those people the relationship felt one sided, and a lot of the time it felt like I was the one out of the two of us that was going through the motions and not going anywhere.
As the amazingly beautiful Billie Joe Armstrong said so eloquently,
"We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going over and over and over, roller coaster.
Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice.
I'm speechless and redundant.
'Cause I love you's not enough.I'm lost for words."
That is honestly how I felt the home stretch of high school and I'm so happy it's over and I can move on with my life. But at the same time it's bitter sweet and I will miss all those who did mean something to me at a point of time in my life. I wish them all the best in their future, wherever it may take them,and if they wish to reconnect at some point they know exactly where to find me.
That's all for now my darling little internet hipsters, I love you so and I wish you a good evening.
All my love,
-Caitlin xoxoxoxo
PS. extra hugs and kisses because I've been away for so long, and I promise I'll be back again very soon <3 xoxoxoxoxoxo
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