Hello my lovelies,
Lately I've been thinking about death a lot. Not in the deep, meaningful "what is life but to die" kind of way, but more of all the people I've lost to death itself.
I think this all started because I've been having a lot of dreams about two brothers who used to do Taekwondo with me and my mom. The older one was always super condescending and mean towards me because I was a girl and he seemed to believe that meant I couldn't do things as well as guys my age. The younger, on the other hand was a very quiet, very shy guy. He was actually really cute and sweet and I had a terrible crush on him and would try and talk to him as much as his shy nature allowed me to.
He and I had a fairly good friendship going, (and by that I mean we talked for about 5 minutes before and after class about shoes and books, then sometimes talked online in our spare time) when we went and tested for our black belts together. That was something special for everyone, and a really major accomplishment for everyone involved.
Sadly, after we all received our black belts the cute boy stopped coming to class and stopped using MSN.
Now I bet you're wondering, RockinBlondeChick, what on earth does this little story have to do with death? Losing a friend because you lost contact is nothing compared to someone dying!
Well, my little hipsters of the internet, the story sadly doesn't stop after we lost contact.
Through the magical powers of the internet that bring this depressing blog to your beautiful faces, I was able to reconnect with the older brother, but not the younger one. Due to his past disregard of y existence, I didn't feel comfortable asking about the younger one and continued on with my life.
That was, until this time last year when I got the tragic news that the older one got hit by a car while going to the grocery store and was in the hospital in a coma on life support.
Now, I'm not old. I have only been on this planet for 18 years and I have only attended a handful of funerals. By sheer luck only one of those was for someone who meant the world to me. Because of this I haven't experienced this kind of heartbreak.
Now, I don't know about you guys but I cry A LOT. Like, a seemingly unhealthy amount of my life is spent pretending to be a fountain. But for some reason I don't cry at funerals. I mean, I guess I didn't. When my mom and I attended this funeral I had stopped going to Taekwondo for about a year or so, so I hadn't seen many of the people I used to call family for quite a while. Well, when I stepped into that funeral home and saw the person who was basically the equivalent of my older brother I started to cry and didn't stop until the ceremony was over.
I mean, I'm not ashamed by this fact. A young man who had his whole life in front of him was dead because some idiot woman was distracted by something and went around a corner too fast. That's tragic, and heart breaking. But I hadn't talked to this guy in over 2 years, and when I did know him, he was a major poop hole.
Maybe the whole atmosphere was depressing, but something gave it a bit of a silver lining. His little brother was at the funeral. I mean, he isn't little anymore and he has grown into a very handsome young man. He was very pleasant to the eye and I did find myself blushing a WHOLE lot while talking to him. We exchanged phone numbers and just kind of picked up where we left off. It was wonderful and it made me feel a lot better. I was glad to offer support to him when he needed and multiple times we tried to hand out, but they all kind of fell through because he went to school so far away.
We used to spend a major portion of our day texting one another and it made me so happy to have reconnected with him, but then one day it just kind of stopped. that day turned into a week, then two weeks, then a month, then multiple months and now it's coming close to a year.
In any case, as I was saying before I've been having a dream almost every night about hanging out with the two brothers, like nothing ever changed. I wake up in tears and it leaves a big pit in the bottom of my stomach. I wish I could contact him somehow, and I wish we could hang out like we planned to do so long ago.
So I guess this is me to you Julian Moran, you're a wonderful guy and I hope life has been good to you. Through this tough time of year that little girl who annoyed you all the time, and loved your converse wishes you the best. There's always going to be a little bit of my heart that belongs to you, regardless of how many months or years it's bee. You'll always have a friend here <3
Okay, now that I've been reduced to a puddle of tears and snot, good night my lovelies. Until next time my babies,
-Caitlin XOXOXO
Friday, November 28, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
King of Contradiction
Sooooo, I'm back. With guess what, boy trouble. I will NEVER understand the male race, or really other people in general, they make everything so complex it's not even funny.
So I met this guy called Denver through my university's social group. He was cool, and we had deep discussions and texted every day and face timed sometimes and it was great, I felt like we really had a bond.
Of course, I had never met him in person, but we had video chatted so I wasn't afraid of a catfish or anything.
He was from a small town and he likes comic books and he seemed really sweet and nice. Of course there was the added bonus that he was cute and he thought I was and there was some harmless flirting going on, but just enough to form a great friendship, or so I thought.
The problems started when we actually met. He was exactly who he said he was, and I have no complaints whatsoever about that. He's different, but a good sort of special different which you don't find very often.
So we started hanging out and texting less. I started to make plans with him and that continued. It feels like I'm the only one making plans and it's totally one sided.
But you see, I should tell you something I very quickly found out. Denver is the KING of mixed signals.
We're both very physical people so naturally cuddling is nice, and it's supposedly platonic and doesn't mean anything blah blah blah, but he'll do little things to make me question if that statement is true, like lace his fingers in mine. Or brush his hand against exposed skin gently.
Like, to me those things are SPECIAL. Those are loving little motions that let the other person know you're thinking about them and you want them to know you enjoy their company. Yet they seem common place for him???
And then he'll say stuff like "I really like it when you stay over" or "why do you never pay attention to me?" and it's just like, what are you trying to get at, kid.
There's ALSO the problem with sexual contact. There was an incident where in short terms he touched my butt a bit too much and I told him off, his response was "you make it difficult to be good". Or recently he's been enjoying, for lack of a better word, slapping my ass. Like, I don't mind it, if I was single I would definitely reciprocate, but I have no idea where this relationship lies.
That's my min problem, I guess. It's one I've always had. I don't know how he really feels about me, and I don't know how I can find out without seeming weird.
The dynamic works, and I enjoy my time with him, I just gives me quite the headache thinking about it in my spare time.
But again, that is one of my many fatal flaws. Over thinking EVERYTHING. It'll get better and I'll figure it out.
Talk to you soon my internet hipsters,
Caitlin xoxo
So I met this guy called Denver through my university's social group. He was cool, and we had deep discussions and texted every day and face timed sometimes and it was great, I felt like we really had a bond.
Of course, I had never met him in person, but we had video chatted so I wasn't afraid of a catfish or anything.
He was from a small town and he likes comic books and he seemed really sweet and nice. Of course there was the added bonus that he was cute and he thought I was and there was some harmless flirting going on, but just enough to form a great friendship, or so I thought.
The problems started when we actually met. He was exactly who he said he was, and I have no complaints whatsoever about that. He's different, but a good sort of special different which you don't find very often.
So we started hanging out and texting less. I started to make plans with him and that continued. It feels like I'm the only one making plans and it's totally one sided.
But you see, I should tell you something I very quickly found out. Denver is the KING of mixed signals.
We're both very physical people so naturally cuddling is nice, and it's supposedly platonic and doesn't mean anything blah blah blah, but he'll do little things to make me question if that statement is true, like lace his fingers in mine. Or brush his hand against exposed skin gently.
Like, to me those things are SPECIAL. Those are loving little motions that let the other person know you're thinking about them and you want them to know you enjoy their company. Yet they seem common place for him???
And then he'll say stuff like "I really like it when you stay over" or "why do you never pay attention to me?" and it's just like, what are you trying to get at, kid.
There's ALSO the problem with sexual contact. There was an incident where in short terms he touched my butt a bit too much and I told him off, his response was "you make it difficult to be good". Or recently he's been enjoying, for lack of a better word, slapping my ass. Like, I don't mind it, if I was single I would definitely reciprocate, but I have no idea where this relationship lies.
That's my min problem, I guess. It's one I've always had. I don't know how he really feels about me, and I don't know how I can find out without seeming weird.
The dynamic works, and I enjoy my time with him, I just gives me quite the headache thinking about it in my spare time.
But again, that is one of my many fatal flaws. Over thinking EVERYTHING. It'll get better and I'll figure it out.
Talk to you soon my internet hipsters,
Caitlin xoxo
Monday, September 22, 2014
Happy Birthday
Oh my darlings it's been so long... I'm truly sorry!
Wow, it's been like 9 months since I last posted here. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I'm really sorry.
SOOOOO much has happened, and so much has changed and I found myself lying in a friends bed staring out the large window both trying to muster up the internal strength to close the damn blinds because it was so sunny and thinking about the complexities of the universe.
Also kicking myself for not writing sooner.
I also came to the sudden realization that very soon it'll be a year since St. Jimmy walked into my life and then promptly walked out and slammed the door, and I mean, that wound should have healed but it seems to be still fresh just under the surface.
Yeah, yeah I know. He's a dick, and I don't need that negativity in my life wondering what if and if only, but I'm only human and I seem to do that with everything. It is one of my many flaws, I over analyze and think about situations until it drives me mad.
As for other changes, hmmm....
I started university, I mean that's pretty cool right? It's a lot of work, and really tiring but so much fun and most of all FREEDOM.
I can just get up and go for a walk in the middle of the night if I'm over thinking things and feel the cool air on my face and just, breath. I've met so many new people and made so many friendships I hope to keep and it's exhilarating and exciting and scary all at once. I've never been so physically close to so many people yet felt this alone, and I don't know if I like it or not.
And on a side note I walked in on my roommate having sex so I think I'll be taking a LOT more walks especially if she has boys around...
That's the thing tho, because we're "adults" (and I use that term very lightly, I still get my mom to do a lot of my laundry) there's SO much more sex that is happening. I don't want to sound jaded or whatever, but it doesn't really faze me anymore. Maybe it's from working the summer (where we had at least two incidents where people might have possibly had sex in our sauna) or the fact that I'm growing up and people always seem to be very open and honest with me, but sex is fairly common place now. I'm not complaining, and I feel like people take me more seriously now than they ever did, it's just a change I'm going to have to get used to.
I've also come to the epiphany that I don't need to keep people who make me feel bad about myself/my body/my emotional state/really anything about me in my life, and it have been VERY liberating.
I also find that I've moved on from the small pond of friends which I had in high school and I've grown as an individual through having to friend my own group of people which I WANT to hang out with. I still love June and Mickey to utter death, but a lot of the people I wanted to be around in high school I feel no need to talk or see them anymore. I'll say it now and I'll say it again, with a lot of those people the relationship felt one sided, and a lot of the time it felt like I was the one out of the two of us that was going through the motions and not going anywhere.
As the amazingly beautiful Billie Joe Armstrong said so eloquently,
"We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going over and over and over, roller coaster.
Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice.
I'm speechless and redundant.
'Cause I love you's not enough.I'm lost for words."
That is honestly how I felt the home stretch of high school and I'm so happy it's over and I can move on with my life. But at the same time it's bitter sweet and I will miss all those who did mean something to me at a point of time in my life. I wish them all the best in their future, wherever it may take them,and if they wish to reconnect at some point they know exactly where to find me.
Wow, it's been like 9 months since I last posted here. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I'm really sorry.
SOOOOO much has happened, and so much has changed and I found myself lying in a friends bed staring out the large window both trying to muster up the internal strength to close the damn blinds because it was so sunny and thinking about the complexities of the universe.
Also kicking myself for not writing sooner.
I also came to the sudden realization that very soon it'll be a year since St. Jimmy walked into my life and then promptly walked out and slammed the door, and I mean, that wound should have healed but it seems to be still fresh just under the surface.
Yeah, yeah I know. He's a dick, and I don't need that negativity in my life wondering what if and if only, but I'm only human and I seem to do that with everything. It is one of my many flaws, I over analyze and think about situations until it drives me mad.
As for other changes, hmmm....
I started university, I mean that's pretty cool right? It's a lot of work, and really tiring but so much fun and most of all FREEDOM.
I can just get up and go for a walk in the middle of the night if I'm over thinking things and feel the cool air on my face and just, breath. I've met so many new people and made so many friendships I hope to keep and it's exhilarating and exciting and scary all at once. I've never been so physically close to so many people yet felt this alone, and I don't know if I like it or not.
And on a side note I walked in on my roommate having sex so I think I'll be taking a LOT more walks especially if she has boys around...
That's the thing tho, because we're "adults" (and I use that term very lightly, I still get my mom to do a lot of my laundry) there's SO much more sex that is happening. I don't want to sound jaded or whatever, but it doesn't really faze me anymore. Maybe it's from working the summer (where we had at least two incidents where people might have possibly had sex in our sauna) or the fact that I'm growing up and people always seem to be very open and honest with me, but sex is fairly common place now. I'm not complaining, and I feel like people take me more seriously now than they ever did, it's just a change I'm going to have to get used to.
I've also come to the epiphany that I don't need to keep people who make me feel bad about myself/my body/my emotional state/really anything about me in my life, and it have been VERY liberating.
I also find that I've moved on from the small pond of friends which I had in high school and I've grown as an individual through having to friend my own group of people which I WANT to hang out with. I still love June and Mickey to utter death, but a lot of the people I wanted to be around in high school I feel no need to talk or see them anymore. I'll say it now and I'll say it again, with a lot of those people the relationship felt one sided, and a lot of the time it felt like I was the one out of the two of us that was going through the motions and not going anywhere.
As the amazingly beautiful Billie Joe Armstrong said so eloquently,
"We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going over and over and over, roller coaster.
Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice.
I'm speechless and redundant.
'Cause I love you's not enough.I'm lost for words."
That is honestly how I felt the home stretch of high school and I'm so happy it's over and I can move on with my life. But at the same time it's bitter sweet and I will miss all those who did mean something to me at a point of time in my life. I wish them all the best in their future, wherever it may take them,and if they wish to reconnect at some point they know exactly where to find me.
That's all for now my darling little internet hipsters, I love you so and I wish you a good evening.
All my love,
-Caitlin xoxoxoxo
PS. extra hugs and kisses because I've been away for so long, and I promise I'll be back again very soon <3 xoxoxoxoxoxo
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Gender Bender
This is going to be a bit of a rant so bare with me.
Ok, so generally through out my life I figured the world was mature enough and advanced enough to eliminate the lines drawn between men and women.
My Grandpa adored history, so naturally so did I. Ever since I was a very young child I was immersed in books and other forms of media depicting the lives of girls in the different eras of the world, different places and time periods. I understood that girls used to be viewed as inferiors. We are physically the weaker sex. It's no ones fault, it's just the truth. We used to be seen as child bearing sub humans who would cook and clean and do as told or directed to do.
So generally, I figured that since my mom had a well paying job and wasn't bare footed and pregnant in the kitchen our society had progressed past the notion that women have brains and boobs.
I mean, I genuinely thought that until recently. Boy was I wrong.
So recently (or well, not so recently, but more recently than most things) I was hired as a lifeguard and swim instructor at one of my local pools. My job is awesome, and I simply adore it, and MOST of the people I work with.
Often enough people compliment me on my ability to work with kids, and teach them. I pride myself in being able to (for the most part) communicate with kids and get them to listen to me.
That was, until I started working for this lovely supervisor.
I mean, I get it. He works two jobs, has a long term relationship with a lovely girl, and just wants everything to run smoothly. He's probably under a lot of stress and pressure.
That said, it is not an excuse to chew our your coworkers just because you're in charge.
This man always seems to have something to criticize. There is no pleasing him. He expects us to read his mind and totally agree with him 100% of the time.
News flash honey, that's not how society works.
I mean, I see it as rather unfortunate for him that he can't control his emotions and anger, because that's something you really need to work on. What really drives me up the wall is that he targets the younger lifeguards and especially the female ones.
Like, seriously. He has told me off a couple times for doing something THE RIGHT WAY. I just don't get it. What kind of twisted brain do you have to have in order to believe that women are below you? Without your mother you wouldn't be on this planet. She carried you for 9 months, gave up her banging body to nurture you and let you grow inside her feeding off her life source and energy. She went through the pain, the bloating, the excruciating pain of your birth just to set aside at least 18 years of her life to look after you and raise you, yet you don't show respect for her gender?
The more I think about it, the angrier I get and the more I can draw parallels to my other job. For those of you who don't know I was also a Tae Kwon Do instructor for 4-5 years before I became a swim instructor.
Now most people consider martial arts as boy sports. I really disagree with that and urge everyone to at least try one form of martial arts because they really are amazing and it doesn't hurt to know how to defend yourself. Anyways, when I used to work there my master would always favour the boys over me. I used to think that this was because they were older and more experienced, but as I grew up and gained the age and experience they had I realized that it was simply because they were "stronger" than me.
It's so stupid to think all of this and I really wish we lived in a world where everyone was created equal and had the same opportunities as everyone else.
But what can you do, the world is far from perfect.
Anywhore, that's my two cents about the subject. Feel free to state your opinion, and till next time my internet hipsters!
Rage&Love
-Caitlin
xoxo
Ok, so generally through out my life I figured the world was mature enough and advanced enough to eliminate the lines drawn between men and women.
My Grandpa adored history, so naturally so did I. Ever since I was a very young child I was immersed in books and other forms of media depicting the lives of girls in the different eras of the world, different places and time periods. I understood that girls used to be viewed as inferiors. We are physically the weaker sex. It's no ones fault, it's just the truth. We used to be seen as child bearing sub humans who would cook and clean and do as told or directed to do.
So generally, I figured that since my mom had a well paying job and wasn't bare footed and pregnant in the kitchen our society had progressed past the notion that women have brains and boobs.
I mean, I genuinely thought that until recently. Boy was I wrong.
So recently (or well, not so recently, but more recently than most things) I was hired as a lifeguard and swim instructor at one of my local pools. My job is awesome, and I simply adore it, and MOST of the people I work with.
Often enough people compliment me on my ability to work with kids, and teach them. I pride myself in being able to (for the most part) communicate with kids and get them to listen to me.
That was, until I started working for this lovely supervisor.
I mean, I get it. He works two jobs, has a long term relationship with a lovely girl, and just wants everything to run smoothly. He's probably under a lot of stress and pressure.
That said, it is not an excuse to chew our your coworkers just because you're in charge.
This man always seems to have something to criticize. There is no pleasing him. He expects us to read his mind and totally agree with him 100% of the time.
News flash honey, that's not how society works.
I mean, I see it as rather unfortunate for him that he can't control his emotions and anger, because that's something you really need to work on. What really drives me up the wall is that he targets the younger lifeguards and especially the female ones.
Like, seriously. He has told me off a couple times for doing something THE RIGHT WAY. I just don't get it. What kind of twisted brain do you have to have in order to believe that women are below you? Without your mother you wouldn't be on this planet. She carried you for 9 months, gave up her banging body to nurture you and let you grow inside her feeding off her life source and energy. She went through the pain, the bloating, the excruciating pain of your birth just to set aside at least 18 years of her life to look after you and raise you, yet you don't show respect for her gender?
The more I think about it, the angrier I get and the more I can draw parallels to my other job. For those of you who don't know I was also a Tae Kwon Do instructor for 4-5 years before I became a swim instructor.
Now most people consider martial arts as boy sports. I really disagree with that and urge everyone to at least try one form of martial arts because they really are amazing and it doesn't hurt to know how to defend yourself. Anyways, when I used to work there my master would always favour the boys over me. I used to think that this was because they were older and more experienced, but as I grew up and gained the age and experience they had I realized that it was simply because they were "stronger" than me.
It's so stupid to think all of this and I really wish we lived in a world where everyone was created equal and had the same opportunities as everyone else.
But what can you do, the world is far from perfect.
Anywhore, that's my two cents about the subject. Feel free to state your opinion, and till next time my internet hipsters!
Rage&Love
-Caitlin
xoxo
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Relationships in general
Hello my internet hipsters,
I'm so incredibly sorry about being away for so long. It was at that point where I had gotten into the boring lull of life and was going through the motions. I wasn't motivated to do anything and it was miserable. I didn't feel emotions, I didn't do anything and I sure as hell didn't have anything interesting to blog about.
Well, has that sure changed.
Over my period of social and emotional recluse, I discovered that no friendship is perfect. Sure, at the beginning when you connect to someone, you have the same interests and hobbies and opinions all is fine and dandy. They're your best friend, everything is perfect!
Then suddenly you hit a rough spot. That little quirk that they have that at first you thought was cute starts to get repetitive. Every time they do it you notice it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again until you SNAP.
You've had enough! that stupid joke about the file in the soup was only vaguely funny the first million times they repeated it to you and you can't stand to hear about their stupid hamster one more time.
You fight. You ignore each other. You yell and scream and kick and fight.
Dont deny it, you totally know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
Then after the heat of the moment you kind of regret it. You'll be doing something and think of something that you know that person would find hilarious but that person isn't beside you anymore. That makes you sad. Then a part of you tells you to toughen up. You don't need that person to be happy! You were probably a strong independent sassy black woman in another life who don't need no one. You can look after yourself, you're the only person you can trust to always have your back because it's kinda...attached to you.
Taking a step back, I realize that friendships, just like any relationship, are really hard. In reality, fighting with a good friend is even worse than fighting with a boyfriend/girlfriend because you don't really make up. There's no passionate makeup sex with a friend, you can't violently kiss or grind on said friend to get your anger out.
I mean, if that's something you guys do don't get me wrong but that's cool. In general my friends don't really like making out with me...
Regardless, when you fight with your friends, theres no real closure. All the anger and emotion from that fight, especially if you have classes with said person, gets forced down because you have to be mature and get through life.
Maybe all of this is why I've been pulling myself away from people who try and get to know me. Through out my life I've been friends with people who have gotten to know me and then left, never to be heard from again. It's truly heart breaking, trying to explain to a child that "your friend Jill doesn't want to talk to you anymore because she has friends who are cooler or better".
That's why I've decided to start opening myself up more to people. I've come to the exhilarating conclusion that just because you cry sometimes, or show some form of emotion, it doesn't make you weak. Not in any way shape or form. There's no point keeping all these emotions cooped up inside. They just make me too overwhelmed to be of any use in society.
Life is a long and winding road, one which I can't even begin to conquer without some help from my friends and family.
Hopefully my little internet hipsters, I'll be able to make it through all this nonsense. thankfully I know I always have you, whoever you are, to vent to and listen to my feelings. This blog has really helped me so much and I plan to be more active on it from now on out.
I love you my darlings, and I wouldn't be here without you.
xoxo
Caitlin
I'm so incredibly sorry about being away for so long. It was at that point where I had gotten into the boring lull of life and was going through the motions. I wasn't motivated to do anything and it was miserable. I didn't feel emotions, I didn't do anything and I sure as hell didn't have anything interesting to blog about.
Well, has that sure changed.
Over my period of social and emotional recluse, I discovered that no friendship is perfect. Sure, at the beginning when you connect to someone, you have the same interests and hobbies and opinions all is fine and dandy. They're your best friend, everything is perfect!
Then suddenly you hit a rough spot. That little quirk that they have that at first you thought was cute starts to get repetitive. Every time they do it you notice it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again until you SNAP.
You've had enough! that stupid joke about the file in the soup was only vaguely funny the first million times they repeated it to you and you can't stand to hear about their stupid hamster one more time.
You fight. You ignore each other. You yell and scream and kick and fight.
Dont deny it, you totally know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
Then after the heat of the moment you kind of regret it. You'll be doing something and think of something that you know that person would find hilarious but that person isn't beside you anymore. That makes you sad. Then a part of you tells you to toughen up. You don't need that person to be happy! You were probably a strong independent sassy black woman in another life who don't need no one. You can look after yourself, you're the only person you can trust to always have your back because it's kinda...attached to you.
Taking a step back, I realize that friendships, just like any relationship, are really hard. In reality, fighting with a good friend is even worse than fighting with a boyfriend/girlfriend because you don't really make up. There's no passionate makeup sex with a friend, you can't violently kiss or grind on said friend to get your anger out.
I mean, if that's something you guys do don't get me wrong but that's cool. In general my friends don't really like making out with me...
Regardless, when you fight with your friends, theres no real closure. All the anger and emotion from that fight, especially if you have classes with said person, gets forced down because you have to be mature and get through life.
Maybe all of this is why I've been pulling myself away from people who try and get to know me. Through out my life I've been friends with people who have gotten to know me and then left, never to be heard from again. It's truly heart breaking, trying to explain to a child that "your friend Jill doesn't want to talk to you anymore because she has friends who are cooler or better".
That's why I've decided to start opening myself up more to people. I've come to the exhilarating conclusion that just because you cry sometimes, or show some form of emotion, it doesn't make you weak. Not in any way shape or form. There's no point keeping all these emotions cooped up inside. They just make me too overwhelmed to be of any use in society.
Life is a long and winding road, one which I can't even begin to conquer without some help from my friends and family.
Hopefully my little internet hipsters, I'll be able to make it through all this nonsense. thankfully I know I always have you, whoever you are, to vent to and listen to my feelings. This blog has really helped me so much and I plan to be more active on it from now on out.
I love you my darlings, and I wouldn't be here without you.
xoxo
Caitlin
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Self psychology
Hey lovelies, sorry I've been away for so long. I decided I needed to take some time, step back and re-evaluate myself as a person. So when Xmas break came along I signed off social media and did a lot of thinking or self psychology if you will.
I just want to put out there that I'm seriously sorry for the last post. My god I sound like an emotionally unstable lunatic. I'm doing much better, thanks for asking.
Where to start. Hmmm. Well first off my marks are complete shit. I don't mean the typical "oh I failed that test" I mean they're the shittiest they've been my entire high school career. I mean, I've applied for uni, and gotten accept at 3 places but now that I think about it, those are not places I want to be stuck in for 4+ years.
My mother is so excited about all of this and is sure that I'll get accepted everywhere, but I seriously doubt it.
Moving right along let's talk about my emotional state. To be completely honest they're in complete disarray. I guess if you really think about it I'm still in the process of grieving the "loss" of Jimmy.
With the help of my vast knowledge of the grieving process collected over a quick google search, I know the process goes Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Personally I feel like I went through denial fairly quickly. I'm not the type of person to deny things happen and I'm usually fairly rational. From that point on, though, it's been like I've hit a wall whenever I reach depression it's like I've climbed up a ladder but then hit a ladder and fall back down to bargaining.
I go from almost getting over the stupid kid to missing him like a dead person.
Speaking of dead people, recently a friend of mine passed away. I didn't know him all that well, and we weren't close but oh my god I'm taking it hard. I want to talk to someone about it, but whenever I bring it up with my friends they just brush me off. I'm going to his funeral this Saturday but it's completely surreal...
In addition to that, I've come to the realization of how shitty most of my friends are. They only think of themselves and have no empathy towards anyone. Not only that, they don't know what going too far is.
For example, on new years we had a small party with some close friends at my best friend, Boo's house. There was no drinking, but June and her boyfriend snuck vodka in, got smashed and had sex in one of the spare rooms. There were literally 6 others a floor down. To me that shows a total disrespect for Boo, his parents and everyone else at the party and she never fully apologized for it either. This was the first real time I met and socialized with her boyfriend and I'm really not impressed.
Also lately I've been an emotional crutch or support for many people. Don't get me wrong, I simply ADORE helping people with their problems, but it has to be a mutual thing for the most part, y'know? August and her boyfriend have had trouble in paradise, and I've been there for her, but sometimes I wish she could be there for me sometimes too.
Taking a step back, I have to ask myself why I adore getting to know people and getting them to talk to me and trust me. The best thing I could come up with is that as a child a lot of my "best friends" just kind of dropped me when I was no longer of use, so maybe subconsciously I know that if they need me there and know they can trust me they'll keep me around. That or the fact that I actually care about other people and hate seeing them sad.
Yet another thing that happened was that my ex, let's call him Sherlock (a blog about him will be up soon) has rolled back into town. Apparently he was in jail/juvi for 3 months because he attacked a police officer in attempts to get said police officer to shoot him in order to end his life. He's currently attending a school to help with his problems, but will return at the beginning of next semester. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about him coming back, but I do miss seeing and talking to him. To be completely honest I think I miss the guy I dated 2 years ago, not who he's become.
Apart from that the only other thing that has happened to me is having fairly frequent existential crisises. This is a term developed by a YouTuber that I love, Danisnotonfire. I'll add a like to the video about it, but in simple terms it's when it just kind of hits you that you have one life and you have no idea what the fuck you're doing with it. Then you proceed to lie on the ground/your bed and stare off into space trying to make sense of the world. It's quite terrifying, and really doesn't help you accomplish anything. Here's the video: http://youtu.be/B1jaY136B_k
I really think you should take a look, I am in total agree with everything he says.
Never a dull moment in the great white north, as you can tell.
I have exams coming up but I promise to try and post more regularly. I'm seriously sorry for the break, but talking to my internet hipsters really does help me calm down and reflect.
I love you and till next time my lovelies <3
Xoxo
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