I just want to put out there that I'm seriously sorry for the last post. My god I sound like an emotionally unstable lunatic. I'm doing much better, thanks for asking.
Where to start. Hmmm. Well first off my marks are complete shit. I don't mean the typical "oh I failed that test" I mean they're the shittiest they've been my entire high school career. I mean, I've applied for uni, and gotten accept at 3 places but now that I think about it, those are not places I want to be stuck in for 4+ years.
My mother is so excited about all of this and is sure that I'll get accepted everywhere, but I seriously doubt it.
Moving right along let's talk about my emotional state. To be completely honest they're in complete disarray. I guess if you really think about it I'm still in the process of grieving the "loss" of Jimmy.
With the help of my vast knowledge of the grieving process collected over a quick google search, I know the process goes Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
Personally I feel like I went through denial fairly quickly. I'm not the type of person to deny things happen and I'm usually fairly rational. From that point on, though, it's been like I've hit a wall whenever I reach depression it's like I've climbed up a ladder but then hit a ladder and fall back down to bargaining.
I go from almost getting over the stupid kid to missing him like a dead person.
Speaking of dead people, recently a friend of mine passed away. I didn't know him all that well, and we weren't close but oh my god I'm taking it hard. I want to talk to someone about it, but whenever I bring it up with my friends they just brush me off. I'm going to his funeral this Saturday but it's completely surreal...
In addition to that, I've come to the realization of how shitty most of my friends are. They only think of themselves and have no empathy towards anyone. Not only that, they don't know what going too far is.
For example, on new years we had a small party with some close friends at my best friend, Boo's house. There was no drinking, but June and her boyfriend snuck vodka in, got smashed and had sex in one of the spare rooms. There were literally 6 others a floor down. To me that shows a total disrespect for Boo, his parents and everyone else at the party and she never fully apologized for it either. This was the first real time I met and socialized with her boyfriend and I'm really not impressed.
Also lately I've been an emotional crutch or support for many people. Don't get me wrong, I simply ADORE helping people with their problems, but it has to be a mutual thing for the most part, y'know? August and her boyfriend have had trouble in paradise, and I've been there for her, but sometimes I wish she could be there for me sometimes too.
Taking a step back, I have to ask myself why I adore getting to know people and getting them to talk to me and trust me. The best thing I could come up with is that as a child a lot of my "best friends" just kind of dropped me when I was no longer of use, so maybe subconsciously I know that if they need me there and know they can trust me they'll keep me around. That or the fact that I actually care about other people and hate seeing them sad.
Yet another thing that happened was that my ex, let's call him Sherlock (a blog about him will be up soon) has rolled back into town. Apparently he was in jail/juvi for 3 months because he attacked a police officer in attempts to get said police officer to shoot him in order to end his life. He's currently attending a school to help with his problems, but will return at the beginning of next semester. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about him coming back, but I do miss seeing and talking to him. To be completely honest I think I miss the guy I dated 2 years ago, not who he's become.
Apart from that the only other thing that has happened to me is having fairly frequent existential crisises. This is a term developed by a YouTuber that I love, Danisnotonfire. I'll add a like to the video about it, but in simple terms it's when it just kind of hits you that you have one life and you have no idea what the fuck you're doing with it. Then you proceed to lie on the ground/your bed and stare off into space trying to make sense of the world. It's quite terrifying, and really doesn't help you accomplish anything. Here's the video: http://youtu.be/B1jaY136B_k
I really think you should take a look, I am in total agree with everything he says.
Never a dull moment in the great white north, as you can tell.
I have exams coming up but I promise to try and post more regularly. I'm seriously sorry for the break, but talking to my internet hipsters really does help me calm down and reflect.
I love you and till next time my lovelies <3
Xoxo
