Hello my lovelies,
Lately I've been thinking about death a lot. Not in the deep, meaningful "what is life but to die" kind of way, but more of all the people I've lost to death itself.
I think this all started because I've been having a lot of dreams about two brothers who used to do Taekwondo with me and my mom. The older one was always super condescending and mean towards me because I was a girl and he seemed to believe that meant I couldn't do things as well as guys my age. The younger, on the other hand was a very quiet, very shy guy. He was actually really cute and sweet and I had a terrible crush on him and would try and talk to him as much as his shy nature allowed me to.
He and I had a fairly good friendship going, (and by that I mean we talked for about 5 minutes before and after class about shoes and books, then sometimes talked online in our spare time) when we went and tested for our black belts together. That was something special for everyone, and a really major accomplishment for everyone involved.
Sadly, after we all received our black belts the cute boy stopped coming to class and stopped using MSN.
Now I bet you're wondering, RockinBlondeChick, what on earth does this little story have to do with death? Losing a friend because you lost contact is nothing compared to someone dying!
Well, my little hipsters of the internet, the story sadly doesn't stop after we lost contact.
Through the magical powers of the internet that bring this depressing blog to your beautiful faces, I was able to reconnect with the older brother, but not the younger one. Due to his past disregard of y existence, I didn't feel comfortable asking about the younger one and continued on with my life.
That was, until this time last year when I got the tragic news that the older one got hit by a car while going to the grocery store and was in the hospital in a coma on life support.
Now, I'm not old. I have only been on this planet for 18 years and I have only attended a handful of funerals. By sheer luck only one of those was for someone who meant the world to me. Because of this I haven't experienced this kind of heartbreak.
Now, I don't know about you guys but I cry A LOT. Like, a seemingly unhealthy amount of my life is spent pretending to be a fountain. But for some reason I don't cry at funerals. I mean, I guess I didn't. When my mom and I attended this funeral I had stopped going to Taekwondo for about a year or so, so I hadn't seen many of the people I used to call family for quite a while. Well, when I stepped into that funeral home and saw the person who was basically the equivalent of my older brother I started to cry and didn't stop until the ceremony was over.
I mean, I'm not ashamed by this fact. A young man who had his whole life in front of him was dead because some idiot woman was distracted by something and went around a corner too fast. That's tragic, and heart breaking. But I hadn't talked to this guy in over 2 years, and when I did know him, he was a major poop hole.
Maybe the whole atmosphere was depressing, but something gave it a bit of a silver lining. His little brother was at the funeral. I mean, he isn't little anymore and he has grown into a very handsome young man. He was very pleasant to the eye and I did find myself blushing a WHOLE lot while talking to him. We exchanged phone numbers and just kind of picked up where we left off. It was wonderful and it made me feel a lot better. I was glad to offer support to him when he needed and multiple times we tried to hand out, but they all kind of fell through because he went to school so far away.
We used to spend a major portion of our day texting one another and it made me so happy to have reconnected with him, but then one day it just kind of stopped. that day turned into a week, then two weeks, then a month, then multiple months and now it's coming close to a year.
In any case, as I was saying before I've been having a dream almost every night about hanging out with the two brothers, like nothing ever changed. I wake up in tears and it leaves a big pit in the bottom of my stomach. I wish I could contact him somehow, and I wish we could hang out like we planned to do so long ago.
So I guess this is me to you Julian Moran, you're a wonderful guy and I hope life has been good to you. Through this tough time of year that little girl who annoyed you all the time, and loved your converse wishes you the best. There's always going to be a little bit of my heart that belongs to you, regardless of how many months or years it's bee. You'll always have a friend here <3
Okay, now that I've been reduced to a puddle of tears and snot, good night my lovelies. Until next time my babies,
-Caitlin XOXOXO
