Sooooo, I'm back. With guess what, boy trouble. I will NEVER understand the male race, or really other people in general, they make everything so complex it's not even funny.
So I met this guy called Denver through my university's social group. He was cool, and we had deep discussions and texted every day and face timed sometimes and it was great, I felt like we really had a bond.
Of course, I had never met him in person, but we had video chatted so I wasn't afraid of a catfish or anything.
He was from a small town and he likes comic books and he seemed really sweet and nice. Of course there was the added bonus that he was cute and he thought I was and there was some harmless flirting going on, but just enough to form a great friendship, or so I thought.
The problems started when we actually met. He was exactly who he said he was, and I have no complaints whatsoever about that. He's different, but a good sort of special different which you don't find very often.
So we started hanging out and texting less. I started to make plans with him and that continued. It feels like I'm the only one making plans and it's totally one sided.
But you see, I should tell you something I very quickly found out. Denver is the KING of mixed signals.
We're both very physical people so naturally cuddling is nice, and it's supposedly platonic and doesn't mean anything blah blah blah, but he'll do little things to make me question if that statement is true, like lace his fingers in mine. Or brush his hand against exposed skin gently.
Like, to me those things are SPECIAL. Those are loving little motions that let the other person know you're thinking about them and you want them to know you enjoy their company. Yet they seem common place for him???
And then he'll say stuff like "I really like it when you stay over" or "why do you never pay attention to me?" and it's just like, what are you trying to get at, kid.
There's ALSO the problem with sexual contact. There was an incident where in short terms he touched my butt a bit too much and I told him off, his response was "you make it difficult to be good". Or recently he's been enjoying, for lack of a better word, slapping my ass. Like, I don't mind it, if I was single I would definitely reciprocate, but I have no idea where this relationship lies.
That's my min problem, I guess. It's one I've always had. I don't know how he really feels about me, and I don't know how I can find out without seeming weird.
The dynamic works, and I enjoy my time with him, I just gives me quite the headache thinking about it in my spare time.
But again, that is one of my many fatal flaws. Over thinking EVERYTHING. It'll get better and I'll figure it out.
Talk to you soon my internet hipsters,
Caitlin xoxo
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Monday, September 22, 2014
Happy Birthday
Oh my darlings it's been so long... I'm truly sorry!
Wow, it's been like 9 months since I last posted here. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I'm really sorry.
SOOOOO much has happened, and so much has changed and I found myself lying in a friends bed staring out the large window both trying to muster up the internal strength to close the damn blinds because it was so sunny and thinking about the complexities of the universe.
Also kicking myself for not writing sooner.
I also came to the sudden realization that very soon it'll be a year since St. Jimmy walked into my life and then promptly walked out and slammed the door, and I mean, that wound should have healed but it seems to be still fresh just under the surface.
Yeah, yeah I know. He's a dick, and I don't need that negativity in my life wondering what if and if only, but I'm only human and I seem to do that with everything. It is one of my many flaws, I over analyze and think about situations until it drives me mad.
As for other changes, hmmm....
I started university, I mean that's pretty cool right? It's a lot of work, and really tiring but so much fun and most of all FREEDOM.
I can just get up and go for a walk in the middle of the night if I'm over thinking things and feel the cool air on my face and just, breath. I've met so many new people and made so many friendships I hope to keep and it's exhilarating and exciting and scary all at once. I've never been so physically close to so many people yet felt this alone, and I don't know if I like it or not.
And on a side note I walked in on my roommate having sex so I think I'll be taking a LOT more walks especially if she has boys around...
That's the thing tho, because we're "adults" (and I use that term very lightly, I still get my mom to do a lot of my laundry) there's SO much more sex that is happening. I don't want to sound jaded or whatever, but it doesn't really faze me anymore. Maybe it's from working the summer (where we had at least two incidents where people might have possibly had sex in our sauna) or the fact that I'm growing up and people always seem to be very open and honest with me, but sex is fairly common place now. I'm not complaining, and I feel like people take me more seriously now than they ever did, it's just a change I'm going to have to get used to.
I've also come to the epiphany that I don't need to keep people who make me feel bad about myself/my body/my emotional state/really anything about me in my life, and it have been VERY liberating.
I also find that I've moved on from the small pond of friends which I had in high school and I've grown as an individual through having to friend my own group of people which I WANT to hang out with. I still love June and Mickey to utter death, but a lot of the people I wanted to be around in high school I feel no need to talk or see them anymore. I'll say it now and I'll say it again, with a lot of those people the relationship felt one sided, and a lot of the time it felt like I was the one out of the two of us that was going through the motions and not going anywhere.
As the amazingly beautiful Billie Joe Armstrong said so eloquently,
"We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going over and over and over, roller coaster.
Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice.
I'm speechless and redundant.
'Cause I love you's not enough.I'm lost for words."
That is honestly how I felt the home stretch of high school and I'm so happy it's over and I can move on with my life. But at the same time it's bitter sweet and I will miss all those who did mean something to me at a point of time in my life. I wish them all the best in their future, wherever it may take them,and if they wish to reconnect at some point they know exactly where to find me.
Wow, it's been like 9 months since I last posted here. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I'm really sorry.
SOOOOO much has happened, and so much has changed and I found myself lying in a friends bed staring out the large window both trying to muster up the internal strength to close the damn blinds because it was so sunny and thinking about the complexities of the universe.
Also kicking myself for not writing sooner.
I also came to the sudden realization that very soon it'll be a year since St. Jimmy walked into my life and then promptly walked out and slammed the door, and I mean, that wound should have healed but it seems to be still fresh just under the surface.
Yeah, yeah I know. He's a dick, and I don't need that negativity in my life wondering what if and if only, but I'm only human and I seem to do that with everything. It is one of my many flaws, I over analyze and think about situations until it drives me mad.
As for other changes, hmmm....
I started university, I mean that's pretty cool right? It's a lot of work, and really tiring but so much fun and most of all FREEDOM.
I can just get up and go for a walk in the middle of the night if I'm over thinking things and feel the cool air on my face and just, breath. I've met so many new people and made so many friendships I hope to keep and it's exhilarating and exciting and scary all at once. I've never been so physically close to so many people yet felt this alone, and I don't know if I like it or not.
And on a side note I walked in on my roommate having sex so I think I'll be taking a LOT more walks especially if she has boys around...
That's the thing tho, because we're "adults" (and I use that term very lightly, I still get my mom to do a lot of my laundry) there's SO much more sex that is happening. I don't want to sound jaded or whatever, but it doesn't really faze me anymore. Maybe it's from working the summer (where we had at least two incidents where people might have possibly had sex in our sauna) or the fact that I'm growing up and people always seem to be very open and honest with me, but sex is fairly common place now. I'm not complaining, and I feel like people take me more seriously now than they ever did, it's just a change I'm going to have to get used to.
I've also come to the epiphany that I don't need to keep people who make me feel bad about myself/my body/my emotional state/really anything about me in my life, and it have been VERY liberating.
I also find that I've moved on from the small pond of friends which I had in high school and I've grown as an individual through having to friend my own group of people which I WANT to hang out with. I still love June and Mickey to utter death, but a lot of the people I wanted to be around in high school I feel no need to talk or see them anymore. I'll say it now and I'll say it again, with a lot of those people the relationship felt one sided, and a lot of the time it felt like I was the one out of the two of us that was going through the motions and not going anywhere.
As the amazingly beautiful Billie Joe Armstrong said so eloquently,
"We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going over and over and over, roller coaster.
Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice.
I'm speechless and redundant.
'Cause I love you's not enough.I'm lost for words."
That is honestly how I felt the home stretch of high school and I'm so happy it's over and I can move on with my life. But at the same time it's bitter sweet and I will miss all those who did mean something to me at a point of time in my life. I wish them all the best in their future, wherever it may take them,and if they wish to reconnect at some point they know exactly where to find me.
That's all for now my darling little internet hipsters, I love you so and I wish you a good evening.
All my love,
-Caitlin xoxoxoxo
PS. extra hugs and kisses because I've been away for so long, and I promise I'll be back again very soon <3 xoxoxoxoxoxo
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