Drunk off Life

So boys are confusing as fuck. Generally it's a fairly simple process to determine if you've got the hots for someone. Some signs include sweaty palms, the urge to constantly be with them, to talk to them and see them, sometimes the sexual attraction towards them, etc, etc.

I'll start from the beginning. We're going to list the symptoms of this poor boy and try and diagnose him as best we can.

So Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. I swear this kid will be the death of me.

So we went to a fair, this past weekend. It was my idea, and I had quite a good time. At one point his plans to talk/make out on the ferris wheel were foiled because we got placed in a basket(is that what it's called?) with a mom and her little son.

Now that kid was pretty damn cool, he and I talked about Star Wars Angry Birds. There was an instant connection, and that made him drop his well loved apple.

In any case, it was so much fun, just being with him. He's just so great, I can't believe how lucky I am. Then we went for a drive, which was very romantic. My seatbelt broke halfway through the trip, so being the genius he is he buckled his around mine. That's totally legal, right? He showed me around his old neighbourhood, showed me his old house, where he grew up, and it was so special, at least I thought it was.

Afterwards we did the usual park&talk. That was when things started getting confusing. He talked about how I wasn't really what he was usually into, and how he didn't want to hurt me, but wasn't 100% sure if he liked me still. I mean, c'mon man. He then went into a speech about how he wasn't sure if it was me he liked to cuddle, or just the fact that I'm of the female variety. It's rather depressing if I think about it. He's concerned that he'll find someone better than me while we're dating and hurt me that way.

Now honey, I got two things to tell you.

1) Bitch you can't find anything better than me. Or, well, I would generally like to believe that. I'm not weird, I'm limited edition. There's only one me, and that's how its going to stay.
2) If you were truly concerned about hurting me, why would you lead me on like that? Like, I REALLY like this guy. I think he's amazing, but shit man, if you didn't intend on dating me, why waste your money and your time on dates?

Stupid, boys are stupid.

So we talked about it, and i convinced him (or tried to) that there's no way he can screw up with me. He can decide that we should just be friends and I'd respect that decision. We cuddled for a bit, but decided to go for a walk to help calm things down.

So we found a place to lie down in the park near my house and just sat there, kinda staring at each other. Then the most incredible thing happened. He pulled me into a hug and whispered "I love you so much".

Now I'll be completely honest here. I didn't quite hear him at first. But I caught on fairly quickly and of course did the girly thing and started freaking out. Like I literally started shaking and nearly hyperventilating because of this boy. I COULD'VE DIED.

In any case, I said it back, and we hugged and cuddled, and he sighed and said now everything he said to me earlier seemed stupid and childish.

WHAT THE FUCK. Was this kid a fish in another life? Are his parents hippies who never made him make up his mind about anything? Or is it just me?

The rest of the night was pretty brilliant, we just sat around and talked and enjoyed each other's company. I wish he didn't have to leave ever, and we could just physically be together and talk. It literally feels like I've known this kid my entire life, and as much as it scares me that he means so much to me, I love every second of it.

Being teenagers of the 21st century kind, we were texting later when he went home and he sent me this text that makes my heart race every time I read it.

"I'm finally realizing that I don't need to feel nervous or butterflies constantly to feel in love. The fact that I feel comfortable around you and not nervous isn't because I don't like you; it's because I really like you. That's what liking someone is, it's feeling comfortable around them unlike anyone else. It's when you're with them and everything feels right when you're with them and that's how I feel around you. I want a relationship that isn't based around sexual or physical attraction. I want to be in a relationship where it's like a best friend connection first and a physical attraction second and that's how I feel with you, I love you Caitlin."

See, even just typing that out makes my heart race and my head spin. I'm a hormonal mess. Can someone be drunk off this feeling? I'm not sure, but I like it.

But yah, that's about it. Life is kinda crazy and brilliant. I'm not sure how this is going to end, but I'm glad I'm along for the ride!

Later my internet hipsters,

xoxo

Worry Rock

“Oh god its time, I gotta say goodbye I gotta say goodbye now I gotta say goodbye I’m gonna go home and get on my big wheel gonna get on my big wheel now I’m gonna get on my bicycle no I’m gonna get on my scooter no my scooter no I’m gonna get on my bicycle I’m gonna get on my tonka truck I’m gonna get on my tonka truck I’m gonna take it I’m gonna go down the strip, smash it up against the window I’m gonna smash it up against the window yeah I am I’m gonna go smash it up against one because I got a pet rock I got a pet rock I got a pet rock! Got a pet rock too I got a pet rock that’s really cool its more like its like its like a its like a worry stone it’s a worry stone you take it you worry you worry you worry you worry you rub it you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry you worry SHIT.” –Billie Joe Armstrong

And that pretty much sums up my brain right about now. I don’t wanna grow up, I don’t wanna make decisions, I just want to be able to goof off and have fun for a bit. Wouldn’t it be great if we just had a sort of remote for life? We’d be able to pause, fast forward, rewind, and just stop life at will. Just, “ I don’t really feel like dealing with this right now, let’s rewind to summer for a bit.” Or “Y’know, I’m not really digging what’s on this channel anymore, lets change it to something more exciting like MTV or something calmer like the Fireplace Channel.” That would be great.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that you basically have to spell out everything for everybody on this bloody planet in order to get what you want. You also need to know all the right questions, and when to ask them. It’s all a big cluster fuck, and now I remember why I don’t seek out social interaction. I should just listen to myself, I’m actually fairly brilliant when it comes to avoiding that stuff. It’s a gift, and a curse.

On the topic of the dreaded social interaction, I feel the need to share my experience with boys. Alrighty girlies, pull up a chair and prepare yourself for the worst. Boys, take out a pen and paper and write down “WHAT NOT TO DO” as your title. I’m expecting a full report, 1000 words minimum on my desk next Thursday, and there will be a quiz sometime next week.

Alrighty, so first off there was this guy, let’s call him creepymiccreeppants. No? Hmmmm. Alright, fine. How about Newfie. Alrighty, so I knew Newfie from doing Taekwondo with him for a couple years, and he was fairly funny, and I enjoyed spending time with him. He wasn’t like some greek god or anything, but he was nice to me and made me laugh so of course, I developed a small crush on him. As time generally does, it continued ticking, and poor little Newfie was kicked out of Taekwondo and went on to sell drugs and nearly go to jail and flunk his grade 9 year. Doesn’t he sound like quite a catch? Oh but wait, it gets even better. So this kid, because that’s all he really was, decides one day that he needs a girlfriend, and he picks one of my best friends as his target. Of course being young and naïve, I was slightly jealous, because I had liked him, and he paid me no notice. He tried to win her over, and claimed she was the love of his life, blah blah blah. Its kind of sickening, thinking back.

So once she turned him down and “crushed his heart” (as much as physically possible when you’re in grade 8 and 9) he came crawling back to me and tried to get me to help nurse his broken heart. Of course me being the next Mother Teresa or some shit, agreed and told him I had liked him to make him feel like less of the piece of shit he really is.

BIGGEST MISTAKE I’VE EVER MADE. Of course being the young, depressed lover boy he is, he asks me out. I’m all gungho because someone of the male variety actually likes me and I foolishly say yes. We dated for a week, then he broke up with me. Then we did it again, and he broke up with me. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. We went through that cycle three times before I finally told him I didn’t want to get back together and he called me a cunt and disappeared.

Or so I thought. Until he came back the following year, trying that shit all over again. I was with another guy at the time, and was able to turn him down, but I didn’t escape the name-calling. And then the next year it happened, AGAIN. He claimed I had broken him, and I was his one true love, and he couldn’t get over me, even though he had dated another girl and might’ve gotten her preggers. This was in grade 10, mind you. And guess what, it happened YET AGAIN in grade 11, and it turns out he got kicked out of his school and was living on the streets and in shelters for a while. He then proceeded to blame me for his situation. I’m sorry, but that is just crossing the line. So after I stood my ground he swore me out and left.

What are we at, 3 years so far? And so now, just recently he drunkenly messages me talking about how I never cared about him. Excuse me, but I’ve put up with him for 4 FUCKING YEARS. Do I win some kind of award for that? I should, because I haven’t killed him yet. 

So what have we learned ladies? Drug dealing, pot smoking bad boys are NOT attractive, and they can become like some sort of annoying bug.

Anyways, that’s enough rambling from me for now! If you enjoy this sort of thing, don’t you fret my dear! I have many, many more horrible boy stories where that came from.

Later my internet hipsters,

xoxo

Caitlin's Blog: My Old Red Truck

Caitlin's Blog: My Old Red Truck: This blog is going to be a more serious, tear jerker(at least from my perspective) so bear with me kids. Ever since I can remember my enti...

Knee deep in pussy and other philosophical things

Hello my lovelies,

Have you ever considered running away? Just dropping everything, and leaving without telling anyone? Does it appeal to you? Or is it just another odd thing I think about...?

I guess it's not just the leaving that pulls me. I mean sure I'd love to get up and travel the world, go everywhere I can and just experience things. But I do believe theres more to this.

Maybe It's because I want to start my life all over again. Wouldn't that be great? If you could just pretend nothing in your past ever really happened? No one would know all the embarrassing and stupid things you did, all the mistakes you've made or the problems you've caused. what people didn't know wouldn't hurt them and then you'd be able to tell if people liked you based on who you are, not what you've done.

Another reason could be to find out who really cares and notices when you're gone. If you just got up and left, who would notice? Who would take the time to text, message or call you to figure out if you were ok? Who would have  the courage and determination to chase after you?

Side note, but it would be *so* romantic if a guy were to come after me if I ever do decide to run away. It would be like a movie. Too bad no one will!

I seem to do that a lot, I imagine the most amazingly romantic things a guy would do for me, then I remember, oh wait that's never going to happen cuz I'm #foreveralone. Also, that would require social interaction of some sort, and y'all know how I feel about that shit...

Sometimes I feel like I should've been born a boy. That way it wouldn't be weird that I always tell people how I feel and ask people out on dates. Also, that way I could do all the romantic things I think about for some special girl. God I'd be such a stud muffin, gettin all the bitches because i know how feels work and shiittt. I'd be like, knee deep in pussy!

Anyways, I'm done now. As for Jimmy, still not sure what's happening with that schtuff, but hey, life goes on. Things will sort themselves out, eventually, I hope... But probably not as quickly as I would like. (of course that will probably be my fault, cuz relationships be scary!)

ANYWHATTT.... Hope you had a good day today my little hipsters, talk to you tomorrow <3

bye,

xoxo

Forever alone... with you!

How do you view yourself?

Have you ever stopped and thought about what people thought about you? Being a girl of the teenage variety, I've stopped to consider this an alarming amount of times during my short existence on this earth. It's kind of sad, if you really think about it. People my age are so quick to judge people who are different, or who enjoy doing things their own way.

I've felt it a lot these past couple of days. People looking at you for that extra fraction of a second, and they know that you know that they're judging you because you dress differently, or decide to act or do things your own way.

I'll be the first to admit it, I'm not normal. I don't really care about brand names, or what's in fashion, I just like what I like, and so I wear it. I don't really give it a second thought, until someone points something out and then I start over thinking it and it becomes a slight obsession. It's a complex, or at least that's what I tell myself, haha......

I mean, I was never really bullied in school. I was never popular either, i was always the "weird one". People just kinda left me to my own devices. I never really had an identity crisis, that is till recently. Even now, I have a very general impression of who I am, and it's never really changed.

That's cool, I guess. Knowing who I am has helped me in the past, either that or I was REALLY not popular. I've been able to stay true to myself and not drink or do drugs, which is cool. I haven't been peer pressured into anything, except maybe coming to school in retarded costumes, but that never hurt anyone.

Truth be told, I don't think ANYONE can really deal with me for long periods of time. I think that's my one fatal flaw. I really do believe I'll end up being forever alone. I think the worst part is that when someone who isn't totally fucked up decides to hang around with me I instantly believe they're doing it out of sympathy, or they're REALLY stupid. Like, you're normal, what the hell are you doing hanging around me?

Maybe that's where my irrational fear of commitment comes from. I mean, I adore the idea of a longterm relationship, but fuck, I feel like I'd never be able to entertain another person for that long! I'm at the point where I'm beginning to bore myself, and I haven't even been with myself for 20 years!

I live a sad existence, but hey at least I can eat cake with no regrets!

At least I have you, internet hipsters <3 

ttyl! xoxo 

LOVE

Hello my lovelies,

Have you ever been in love?

Love is such a crazy confusing amazing emotion. Everyone wants to be loved by someone, yet no one wants to have to deal with the pain it brings when it all falls through. Love is what brings people together, and studies have show that it can be almost as powerful as a drug.

It also annoys me when people use that word so often. These four letters have such a powerful meaning, you shouldn't just throw them around willy-nilly. I have to admit, I'm guilty of whipping it out there. Many people who are in relationships(or at least I've found) jump into the illusion of love or true love so quickly that after a while it disappoints them, or becomes redundant.

I also feel like everyone blames love for the pain they feel when get dumped or left. No, that's not love, that is the feeling of rejection, of fear, pain, sadness. It is trusting someone you love with your inner most guarded thoughts, and them betraying you. It is not love's fault, its simply the aftermath.

Woah, this post just got very dark and depressing.

In any case, I don't understand how people can judge others for who/when/how they fall in love with someone. It's none of your business, unless you know that someone you love could get hurt.

Another important  thing I want touch upon are crushes. They seem so juvenile. With the butterflies in the stomach, the sweaty palms, the anxiety, the uncertainty, and the overall uneasiness that comes with liking someone and not knowing if they return the feelings. Its crazy, but at the same time it's fantastic and exhilarating when you finally do tell them and they return the feelings.

AAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhh........ life is full of confusing but bloody brilliant mysteries.

This was all brought to my attention because Jimmy kissed me today, and that four letter word almost popped out of my mouth. Man, what a horrible mistake THAT could've been!

Regardless, today was fairly fun, as fun as boring school days can be. Hope you had a great day and a brilliant weekend!

Be safe my little internet hipsters, bye bye <3

xoxo

PS If any of you guys are wondering, this is a great song, and its almost exactly how i feel right now... you should listen to it :)

Byeeeee <3

You only YOLO once.

Hello my little hipsters,

Today was a glorious amazing day and I can't help but smile just thinking of it. The world is a wondrous and beautiful place and I am sooo happy to be a part of it.

If you really think about it, it's truly amazing that we're all alive and we interact with one another. Think of all the obstacles we've already surpassed, we've fought against all the odds to be the one sperm that made it to the egg, we fought against the harsh conditions of our mother's uterus to be expelled into this world, blind naked and helpless. We face viruses, accidents and other dangerous situations that we've survived. Life is a miracle, and if you're reading this now and feeling down, I want to tell you that because you are living and breathing you are beautiful and have so much potential. Keep your chin up little piglet!

Enough of that mushy stuff, but if you seriously sit down and ponder life and the chances of meeting and interacting with the people you love and care about, the numbers are phenomenal. The chances of meeting so many beautiful, amazing people just makes feel so blessed and amazed, it renders me speechless.

If you haven't noticed, I'm in a VERY good mood. I did fairly well on some tests, I was able to hang out with the people I care about, and life is going along fairly well. The guy I think is the bee's knees seems to like me back, I got a kiss from him (eiiiiii!) and things are looking up.

I just want to let you guys know (whoever you are out there who's reading this) that I love you. I may not know you, or i may never will, but I love you and you're beautiful. Everyone deserves to be told that at least once a day.

Ever since my Grandpa died, I'll be the first to admit I was(and still am) a little lost in this big thing we call life. He truly was my anchor, and he meant the world to me. He was an inspiration.

He was born the oldest of three children on a farm, which in itself if not a very easy situation to be in, especially during the depression. But not only that, but he was born with ONE arm. Now a days, people would take that in stride and get a prosthetic, but when my Grandpa was a kid there was no such thing. But he never let this bog him down. He worked hard on the farm, while also attending a one room school house. He was also the first person in his family to attend and graduate from university. He continued on to become a teacher, spreading on his philosophy of education being the most valuable thing to obtain, and at one of the schools he worked at he met my grandmother.

Now I'm not going to go into cheesy details, mostly because I'm not very familiar with this portion of his life, but they fell in love and had 3 kids, one of which was my mother.

My Grandpa always told me that life can be difficult, but you just have to keep at it and sooner or later things will sort themselves out. This came with a fair bit of certainty, because he went through so much as a child, and as a grown adult. Now, I never knew my Grandmother. From what I gather we were fairly similar, and i suppose that's where I get my creative abilities from. She was always a woman of fairly  poor health, and eventually while my mother was going through University, medication and science wasn't able to help her. She died before my mother got married, of cancer. Of course my Grandpa took this very hard, she was his wife after all, but as he told me in his later years in life, he took it in stride and just kept going along with life.

After a while, things seem to return to normal (or as close as they ever going to be) and my mother graduated University, and she and my father got married and little baby me was born.

I mean, erm, perfection was brought into the world, and stuff...

In any case, everyone was happy, but sometimes life throws a curve ball at you. My Uncle died suddenly, just before my first birthday, due to complications after a simple surgery to remove his gallbladder. Again, this was quite devastating for my family, especially since it was totally out of the blue.

Anyways, enough of my sad story. The point to all of this is that life is a gift, so enjoy it. Regret nothing, and find as many ways to be happy as you can each and everyday.

So smile, and keep your chins up, my little hipsters <3

xoxo

Shenanigans and Whatnot

Aaaannndddd we're back!

It's been a hectic, glorious start to the week, with quizzes failed and general shenanigans accomplished. Jimmy bought another car, that doesn't work. Why on EARTH would you buy a car that doesn't work? I will never understand. So he spent all of monday of at his house slaving away at that hunk of metal.

On a lighter note, he asked me out on a date, which is something positive. We went out yesterday to the middle of nowhere to watch a movie, and it wasn't half bad. We went to go see "The World's End" who is by the same guys who did "Sean of the Dead". It was pretty freaking hilarious, and we had a good time. After the movie we went to A&W (because all he ever eats is Chicken fingers, pizza and Chinese food) and had a very late dinner. I ended up getting back home around 10, much to my parent's displeasure.

*caution, girly overload in process*

OMGHEHELDMYHANDANDKISSEDMYCHEEKANDWELAUGHEDANDHADSOOOMUCHFUNANDHESSOCOOLANDHEWANTSTOGOOUTAGAINEIIIIIIIIAJSKFDHGPAI;ERUGHAEIRUFG....

Ok, I'm done.

So yes, it was fun and I think we're really getting close and comfortable around each other. Which is coolio, cool beans and stuff. Today he also drove me in, and decided to buy TWO MORE CARS. Is it like an obsession? A twisted, dark fetish? I don't know, but I think it's a little weird.

Wouldn't it be great if you just had a thermometer of sorts that you could hold up to people and see how much they liked you? "Oh yes, he seems to be about 23 degrees of crush, but there may be a sudden heat wave with a 50% chance of love." I think that would be great.

Jimmy also talks about getting rid of his prelude. Which is kinda sad because that was the first car he drove me around in. He and that car have been through a lot, like a graduation, a Green Day concert and a move to the city. I feel like, deep down I will always consider the 'lude as "Jimmy's car" no matter how many he goes through. It has sentimental value, deep down in my heart and it has a certain quirky-ness that seems to transfer over into his goofy smile.

He posted something recently, that really made me sad to see that old car go, he said : "Two hour round trip through the capitol, a nice fair well to a car which gave me everything, and owes me nothing. It's been real Prelude, I don't think anyone thought you'd last the winter, but here we are 8 months and 23,000km since I traded a guitar for you last January. I like to think some cars have a soul, and I hope when a swap your seats to the civic some of that soul transfers too, 'cos theres no bond greater than a boy and his first car." 

I thought it was quite beautiful to be honest, and I know he'll always remember the old 'lude. I also hope one day, some of that love and admiration, even if we do end up being just friends, can be transferred over to me instead of that hunk of metal.

On that note, I should go do homework, bye bye my lil hipsters <3

xoxo

Boys are from Mars

So this isn't really going to much of a blog, more like a journal that allows me to rant.

To start things off, I lead a very simple, non chaotic life. No drinking, no partying, just a lot of internet and homework. I didn't chose the boring life, the boring life chose me, y'know what I'm saying?

So I'm not the most socially adept person out there. Now, it's mainly this reason that I don't normally get the attention of all the boys, which I'm quite ok with, most of the time. Now and then there come along certain boys in which i will crawl out of my antisocial shell, apply some sort of girly makeup stuff and attempt to flirt with. Statistically, I don't really win all that much.

Just recently I met a guy, let's call him Jimmy. Now Jimmy, was one of those guys, for me at least. He can play guitar, bass, drums and we both adore the same music, he's different, not butt stupid and freaking hilarious. So obviously, being the stupid little girl I am, I metaphorically tripped over the tangled laces of his sexual Chuck Taylors and suffered pretty extensive cuts and bruises.

Here, I'll start from the beginning.

First day of grade 12. You're the top of the food chain, ready to take on the world. Things were looking up, my two girlies (lets call one June and the other August) and I had managed to avoid the dreaded assigned lockers and got 3 right next to each other, in the perfect location. Classes were pretty chill, knew most of my teachers from before, it was all good. We busted into our familiar watering hole, ready to fuck some shit up and eat that PB&J sammich when i saw him. I have to admit, he was pretty damn cute. His brown hair all tussled and scruffy, his earrings, his gorgeous blue eyes, it was pretty great. As an added bonus, he was playing the guitar beautifully, and i nearly fan-girled all over the place.  Me, being about as socially adept as a naked mole rat, was too shy to go talk to him myself. Thankfully with a little help from my girlies i was able to get him to come sit with us one lunch and introduce myself and we started talking.

The poor boy, he never saw it coming. Once he started talking to me, there was no way i was ever going stop. Except, for maybe class, cuz that's kinda important, right?

Anywho, over the weekend we talked, or should I say texted, non stop. We actually had some sort of physical social interaction, when he picked August and I up in his shitty old Prelude and we attempted to go downtown but somehow managed to leave the province. To be completely honest, it was quite magical.

Sooooooo, at this point it was almost hook line & sinker for this kid. A punk boy who was funny, a year older and had his own car? That by itself is fairly rare. So i figured, hey, what's there to lose? He's been, from what I understand, using the protocol for flirting. So i did the unthinkable, and told him how I felt.

I think the craziest thing out of all of this is the fact that he was in total shock when i dropped the "c" bomb.  Like, "what? a non creepy, fairly attractive girl who has cool taste in music thinks I'm da shit? What do I do?" and his uncertainty of knowing how to proceed has continued to diminish more and more as time goes on.

One moment  he'll be saying he thinks we're going to fast by hanging out just us two and holding hands, the next he'll be playing my favorite song on guitar to try and get my attention. He'll flip flop from saying stuff like "we'd make a cute couple" or "as I think about it more and more, we have so many common interests and i really like being around you" to "I don't know if i like you more than just a friend" back to "you're real longterm relationship material".  This boy flip flops worse than a freshly caught fish. So much for social interaction being fun.

In anycase, I should get back to studying for a physics test. Till next time my internet hipsters!

xoxo