Always...

Do you ever doubt yourself...?

 Feel like you aren't good enough, like the world is against you in a way?

I'm so sorry I've been away for so long my lovelies, it's been a difficult couple of weeks.

So I need your help. Are you ready? I need you to be my shoulder to cry on. I may simply be melodramatic, but I feel like I've hit a wall and theres no way to get passed it.

So he left. Jimmy got up and left. He said he wasn't feeling it anymore and left. I feel broken. I can't stand to look at other boys. I can't stand to live anymore. It hurts to breath and I seriously just don't want to do any of it anymore. I feel like he used me. Like I was just a little fling and he never really cared. Honestly I don't think he ever did.

The worst part is that he's able to just go back to normal life and act all cool about it while I'm dying inside. And when I get to the point where I think I'm going to be ok, I trip myself up and fall back into the deepest, darkest depression.

I just can't wrap my head around it. We were like two peas in a pod, he was the string to my shoe, the peanut to my jelly. We were and still are so perfect for each other, and yet he never gave me the chance to prove it to him. Whats worse is the reasons he gave for breaking up with me. They were things we could've talked about and worked out to make our relationship stronger.

As much as I blame myself for all of this, my ego kicks in and tells myself that eventually he'll realize what an idiot he's being and it'll be like a movie. But again, I doubt that'll happen, at least not that way. I want to move on and get better, but at the same time I don't think I'll ever be able to give up hoping that one day he'll realize his mistake and try and win me over. It's thoughts like these that make me stop and seriously think about it. If I were to go out and start anew, begin a relationship with someone else, would it really be fair to the other person? Would it be fair to fall in love with them when my heart's still broken? But then again, what if the only person who can fix my heart is the one who broke it? Am I doomed to be forever heartbroken over a guy who doesn't give two shits about me? That really isn't fair on my behalf.

I just want to go back and go on dates with him and get to know him. I don't need to be considered his girlfriend, they don't even need to be dates. I just want to be with him and be close to him. I mean,I wouldn't be opposed to being able to hug and kiss him, but it's not mandatory. I want him to want to get to know me. He makes me happier than I've ever been and I want to be able to do the same for him...

I also wish I had the balls to tell him all this. But I really don't want to seem like the crazy ex girlfriend. But I also can't tell anyone this because they'll just tell me to suck it up. And points where I've got enough courage to tell him one look from his blue eyes makes my tummy go into knots and my face turn red and my brain go numb and makes me want to cry and stop existing. It's especially the small things, like when I see him playing guitar or drums and how he used to make faces at me when he did that and now he doesn't, or how I can't just randomly go up and hug him or kiss him on the cheek. How that's considered wrong and socially unacceptable. How the way I feel is no longer allowed or unwelcome. I have so much love to give...

One of my favourite quotes goes a bit like this: "I may not have the prettiest face to kiss, or the smallest waist to hold, but I do have the biggest heart to love you with." and it's something I've felt agree with because it basically describes me. I may not be the prettiest, or the hottest, but if you give me the chance I'll prove to you that I love you and I'm worth loving.

Anyways, that's enough of my ranting. I thought you guys deserved to know what's happening in my life even if it makes me cry just thinking about it. If I could just get one wish, I'd wish that we could start again. Maybe then I could get him to give me the time of day. Or to get back together, kinda like this song by Blink 182. I've been listening to it a lot lately, even though it makes me sad. Enjoy my internet hipsters, just remember I love you no matter what. <3

I took a needle to the knee

Hello my lovelies, I’m so sorry I’ve been absent for so long, life has been a little crazy and full of things so I haven’t really had the chance to write to you. God the last week has been a mind fuck to my feelings and emotions, it’s crazy.

Now where to begin….

Well first off I had my pride and self esteem completely and utterly crushed by someone I love. Jimmy has had a really shitty month due to his license being suspended and has been seriously moody lately. It has taken quite a toll on me both physically and mentally, not that I can ever really tell him that. I feel like I’m walking on a field of land mines, and I don’t know when or what will set them off next.

So Jimmy does this thing where he takes a “mental recharge day”. So basically, when he’s too lazy to get out of bed or just not feeling school he will just stay and sleep in bed all day. I seriously wish this were a thing I could do. Of course, then I’d just never go to school, and either everyone would think I was dead, or they wouldn’t notice me being gone.

Anyways, on one of these days I decided to come and see him after school to y’know, be a good girlfriend and all and make sure he was doing ok. So I get there, and he seems happy enough to see me, but as soon as we get up to his room his face goes blank and he just stares at the wall.

Now he sat like that for a while. When I say a while, I mean a he sat for a good 15-20 minutes staring at that wall, like it held the key to the universe and the meaning of life itself. After a while, I began to get concerned, so I asked what was wrong.

It was at this point that ALL HELL BROKE LOSE.

LIKE, I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING. THE FLOOR OPENED UP AND THE FLAMES FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL GENTLY CARESSED THE BOTTOMS OF MY DELICATE HUMAN FEET… or something of the sort.

He started going on about how he doesn’t seem to find me attractive, (that’s not what his penis seems to think, amiright?) and he basically just shit on our entire relationship. I was this close to tears, but like fuck I must love this kid, because even when I was at the point where I hit my emotional wall, (there will soon be a blog explaining that reference) all I cared about was making sure HE was ok. Making sure that even if we did break up, that he would know that I would always love and be there for him no matter how much pain I was going through. Yet again, fuck I should’ve been born male.

It was at this point where he looked at me, right in the eyes and he started to cry. Not like the embarrassing crocodile tears, but the kind that feels like someone stabbed you in the stomach and then twisted the blade and pulled it out to let all your soft vulnerable internal organs have spilled out and you sit there, bleeding out and gasping for air, knowing that at any second you’re going to blank out and that’s it. You’re done. It’s that heart/gut wrenching kinda half crying that makes you feel like the shittiest person on the planet. Like you just murdered a billion puppies with your bare hands. Not a fun feeling, to say the least.

Any who, back to the story.  So I hugged him and he cried, and I started to cry cuz I’m a wimpy ass, but don’t tell him that because I don’t think he noticed. Then, of course, because the world just fucking hates me, my mom shows up to pick me up, and that was it.

So that was the first event that happened in the past while.

The following weekend I had a lovely dinner with him and his parents and grandparents, and life was simple and good.

OH RIGHT AND IT WAS ALSO HALLOWEEN WHICH IS THE BEST FUCKING HOLIDAY ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

I came to the sad conclusion that day, that I own more clothing that can be turned into a costume of an old dead man (Beetle Juice) than I do to be a Disney Princess, so that was cool. 

The following week was fairly uneventful, I didn’t really see him that much, but ever since his license had been revoked he’d been missing on average 2 days of school per week, so I came to terms with that.

Then, I got a needle stuck in my knee.

Yes, please go back and read that sentence one more time. I got a SEWING NEEDLE stuck in my goddamn knee. Who the fuck does that kinda stuff? To be clear, I had previously stuck said needle into the cushion of the bench in my room, and unknowingly I knelt on it the following day to get a book of a shelf and low and behold, I hobbled away from that experience with a string and the eye of the needle, which had broken off the rest of the needle, embedded in my knee.

Now one hospital trip, 2 ultra sounds, an x-ray, knee freezing and 3 stitches later, the string had been ripped out of my knee (it hurt so much I screamed) but I still had a fragment of the needle embedded in my knee. In all honesty I still have part of it in there, and I’ve now been told that I will need to be knocked out and operated on in order for it to be removed, and in the process I will have to miss another day of school.

Fucking awesome, am I right? Like, who does that? Seriously. It wasn’t even like a heroin needle that had been stabbed into my knee when I was defending some poor orphans from a homeless drug addict. Worst story ever.

So that’s pretty much it. I got a new pair of heels that I’m completely in love with, and yet I’m too much of a cripple to wear them out. Sucks. Oh, and I’m not doing so well in my classes, but that’s because I’ve been a lazy bastard.  Gotta buckle down and continue to work hard.

Sorry again for leaving you guys hanging by a thread there (haha, see what I did there? Needle and thread? Hahaha, I’m so not funny.) but in all seriousness, I love you and I will get back to posting more. I love you, and have a safe rest of the weekend J

Cop Out

Hello my lovelies,

I'm so sorry about not being on here, I miss you so much! As soon as I have a couple minutes to myself I'm going to update you about everything in my life. Stay tuned for a long rant about errryyyythaaaannngggg haha. Any who, here's another portion of the 21st Century Breakdown book thingy ive been working on. I feel like it's such a cop out, but I promise I'll be better. Cross my heart and hope to die.

Chapter 3

When Christian woke up, he wondered what time it was. It had never occurred to him to ask Gloria or one of the guards the time. He also realized that in no more than 48 hours his entire life had been turned upside down. His beliefs had been challenged, questioned and completely obliterated. He thought of how he had seen the government, how he had thought they were trying to help everyone. But now, he wasn’t quite sure. He was even questioning their authority. He sighed, nothing seemed right anymore.

As he slowly pulled himself out from underneath the warm covers, his thoughts turned to what Gloria had told him the other night. Was her childhood really that bad? What was it like to have parents who didn’t care?

Then Christian stopped. “Oh crap.” He said out loud. His parents. He had totally forgotten about them. They were probably filling out a missing person’s report right at that moment. Let them find me, Christian decided. While he was fiddling with the button on his pants, his thoughts returned to Gloria’s story.

What had happened to her father? Had she ever known him? Did she even care? He thought back to his childhood. He knew for a fact that he didn’t have the best childhood, but still, his parents loved him and he had never felt unwanted by them. How would it feel to not have parents? Christian wondered. His thoughts returned to his parents.

“I really should call them…” Christian murmured to himself.

“Call who?” Asked the now familiar voice of Gloria.

“Oh my god! Stop sneaking up on me like that!” Cried Christian, clutching his chest. “You’re going to give me a heart attack!”

“Sorry, I just came over to see how you were doing, and make sure you were comfortable.” Gloria said, seeming genuinely sincere.

“That’s ok, and to answer your question, I was dreaming, I was only dreaming of another place in time where my family’s from. Maybe I should call them, y’know, to tell ‘em I’m ok. Now where did that cell go?” Christian finished while beginning to rummage through his remaining possessions.

“Oh, do you mean this cell?” Said Gloria, producing a black cellphone from her pocket.

“Hey! Where’d yah get that! ”Christian cried, snatching the phone from Gloria’s hands. 

“You have a really pretty girlfriend, what’s her name…?” Gloria said quietly, taking a seat beside Christian on his bed.

“How do you know about her??” Christian cried

“You have a lot of pictures on your phone.” Replied Gloria shortly.

“Fuck.” Was Christian’s only response as he quickly deleted all the pictures.

“So, tell me about her.” Gloria continued.

“Well,” Christian’s tone was cold. “Her name’s Stephanie. She’s the reason I’m in this whole mess. She was going to pick me up at work the other night, but she never came. So I had to either walk home or spend the night at the shop.”

“But you still love her, don’t you?” Gloria whispered, holding her breath.

“I’m not in love because I’m a mess.” Was Christian’s simple answer.  

Gloria slowly got up. “Well I guess I’ll let you get back to your dreaming and junk.” She said finally.

“Yah, I guess I’d better call my folks. Then, maybe do you think I could go for a walk, to clear my mind, y’know?” Christian said, getting up also.

“Sure! I mean sure, I’ll tell the guard on my way out. When you’re ready, just tell him and he’ll bring you to the doors.” Gloria responded hastily, while making her escape through the door.

When Gloria was gone, Christian gave a sigh of relief. Man, was that uncomfortable talking to Gloria about Stephanie. He had met her in eighth grade. He had liked her then. As they made their way through high school, she was always there. They soon realized they were into the same type of music (mainly Green Day) but Christian had liked football, and Steph detested all sports except gymnastics, which she did in her free time. They had started going out shortly before he dropped out, and to his surprise she found the time to balance school, gymnastics and him.

Christian sighed. He realized now that he had never really loved her. Sure she was pretty, and he liked her, but he never took their relationship seriously. He was glad he didn’t have to deal with her right now.

Glancing at his phone, Christian began the task at hand. First and foremost, he had to call his parents.

First he tried their home phone, with no answer. They were probably at work he told himself. Then he tried his mom’s cell, again, no answer.

“She must’ve left it in the car, or she turned it off.” He said to himself.

Next he tried his dad’s cell. It rang and it rang, until it finally reached his voice mail. Christian began to worry. Where were they? His dad never went far without his phone, and it was unlike him to let it go to voicemail. He decided to leave a message and try again later.

Now, with that out of the way, Christian’s thoughts began to wonder.

He thought about his life without Stephanie, which seemed pretty good. He thought about a life without a girlfriend, or friends in general. He thought about a life without parents, or rules or the government. Finally he thought about a life with Gloria. He dismissed it quickly, he needed to see his parents. They would set him straight once and for all.

It was at that point that Christian remembered his walk. Fresh air would do him some good. Heck, he might even be able to drop in and see his parents!

After a quick chat with the guard, Christian found himself standing outside the abandoned subways, his black backpack slung over his shoulder and Basket Case blaring in his ear. He put his iPod on shuffle and set off.

He was lost, Christian finally admitted it. He was utterly and completely lost; like refugees.

He had been roaming the streets for more than an hour now, trying to find a street he knew. It was hopeless, he couldn’t tell the difference between the that street and this boulevard. Where the hell was he? As he turned the next corner, he noticed something familiar. There was the 7 Eleven he used to hang out with friends at, and there was the hill he rode his bike down, resulting in a trip to the hospital and four stitches in his right hand. As he made his way towards the familiar driveway, he suddenly smelt the familiar stench of smoke and fire. It was un-mistakenable. He started jogging, then went into a full on sprint. Something was wrong, he knew it. When he finally caught sight of his house- or what still remained of it- his entire world came crashing down around him.

Gloria restlessly checked her watch for the third time in the same number of minutes as she paced her small bedroom worriedly.

Pacing was a rather long ways from the truth, because there were so many articles of clothing littering the floor that it was more of a restless hop from patch of clear floor to patch of clear floor.

“Where could that boy be?” She asked herself quietly. “It’s been two hours since he left…” She finished, her voice trailing off as she sat down on her bed.

Holding her cellphone tightly in her right hand, she lay down and drifted off into a restless sleep.

Christian stood motionless in front of what remained of his childhood house. Everything seemed to have either been demolished beyond recognition, burnt to a crisp or vandalized. Christian was speechless. He slowly started to make his way through the remains of his room. All he could salvage were a couple of slightly singed shirts and his phone charger. As he made his way back towards the street the smell of burnt flesh made his skin crawl.

“They couldn’t…It’s unimagionable…” Christian cut himself off because something disturbing caught his eye. In the center of the burnt remains of his family’s living room were two badly charred skeletons with a simple message written in what appeared to be blood between them.

“Take this as a warning to all those who dare speak against the Peacemakers and the government.” Christian read slowly while his mind raced a million miles a minute.

Cautiously he reached into his pocket to retrieve his cell phone. He was grateful that Gloria had added her number when she had stolen his phone what seemed like ages ago. He dialed her number and held it up to his ear, calling the only person he seemed to have left.

Gloria awoke with a jolt. Something was vibrating in her ear.

“Where did I put my phone…my phone!” She cried out, still half asleep. She searched frantically through her sheets till she finally found it under her pillow. She glanced briefly at the number but it was listed as unknown, so she ignored it. Placing it back on her bedside table, she forgot completely of the incident and drifted back to sleep.

Christian slowly removed the phone from his ear and cradled in the palm of his left hand. He was completely and utterly alone in this world, for the first time in his entire life.

Holding back tears he turned his back on his childhood and began walking. He didn’t particularly care where he walked, nor for how long or how far. All he knew was that he needed to get far, far away from all of this and take some time to stop and think about all the events that he had gone through in the past two days.

In the past two days of his entire life his entire world had been completely turned upside down. Everything he had been taught, everything he believed in, since his childhood had been slaughtered, abused and ripped to shreds. He no longer knew what was right and what was wrong. His entire religion had been mocked and disrespected to a point where he was questioning if there was even a god. Surely if there was, he wouldn’t stand by and let his creations abuse each other in such an unruly manner? Surely he would stop the madness, the unnecessary blood shed of the innocent?

Another aspect of all this was that of the Undertakers. Gloria seemed to truly believe in what she preached and she had been through so much… All they wanted was the freedom of speech, but at what cost? What lengths were they willing to go to in order to achieve their idea of a perfect world? And did the end justify these means? Christian didn’t know, nor did he care at this point. All he knew was that when he thought about all of this, he couldn’t get Gloria off his mind.

Christian continued walking deep in thought for several blocks. Finally, he couldn’t bare it any longer. He needed to talk to Gloria he needed to tell her how he felt. He quickly took out his phone and began writing a message.

Gloria was awoken yet again by the buzz of her cellphone.

“Jesus Christ who could it be now?” She muttered to herself quietly while reaching for her phone.

As she quickly glanced at the short text she had received, she gave a short gasp and he phone clattered to the ground.

It read:

I lost everything in the fire so I’m sending all my love to you… Please pick up your phone next time.

                                    -Christian

As Christian finished off his text he smiled briefly to himself. It felt good to at least get one thing off his chest. He slowly made his way towards the 7 Eleven in order to await a response. He was in the middle of picking out a post card when he received a text that nearly made him drop his phone.

I love you too

            -Gloria

Till next time my lovelies, you make my day better<3 

xoxo

#teamteenageangst

Do you ever just feel shitty?

Like, you feel as if the general population has put your life on the back burner, not really seeing you or really giving a fuck about you?

Don't even lie, you know the feels. Everyone knows those feels at some point in their lives.

They suck, they're unwanted and for the most part just really depressing. Why do we feel this way? It's almost like we're on this emotional roller coaster called adolescence that we never wanted to get on in the first place.

Now, I might just be a mess of hormones, but I really don't think it's fair for people to give teenagers such a hard time. If you really think about it, it's genuinely surprising that we survive our teenage years in the first place! It's a time where our bodies are growing and maturing, and hormones are rushing through our system like the gates of hell themselves have opened up. Meanwhile, our teachers and parents want us to act all grown up, yet still be a kid and listen to them. It is the point in our lives where we have to find ourselves, and figure out what we want to do with our lives and get good grades and make friends and deal with everyone breathing down our necks, it's a miracle that we make it through without some serious repercussions!

Studies have shown that during our teenage years our frontal lobe is still developing and changing. This is the part of the brain where we're able to link our actions with the theoretical consequences. With this part of the brain we're able to plan ahead and figure things out for our future.

So, if this portion of our brain isn't even fully functional, WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY MAKING US MAKE DECISIONS THAT WILL EFFECT THE REST OF OUR LIFE?

Like, we as teenagers can't even BEGIN to fully grasp or comprehend how our lives will be changed based on what decisions we make now. What courses we take, where we go for university or college, who we hang out with, what activities we decide to partake in, and so much more can help make or break us and the path we take in life.

God, sitting here and just thinking about makes me so scared and depressed and stressed. I really don't want to grow up, and I don't want to have to face my responsibilities. I just want to pack a backpack, hop on my bike or in a car and leave for a while and just live with the clothes on my back and the money in my bank account. I want to go and scream and punch a wall and cry, cry so much about everything. I want to forget about everything and everyone and move to a different city, state or country and start all over again. I want to chuck my phone out the window, delete all my social media and fucking go out and talk to people, hug people, touch them and know they're real. I want to talk to them about my problems and fears, and I want to know if there are people out there with the same difficulties and issues.

In all honesty, I want a guy who will always be there, no matter what. I want him to help me through my darkest days, pick me up when I fall down, and know me like the back of his hand. I want him to believe in me and love me even when I'm at the breaking point. I want him to see me at my worst and at my best and all the points in between. Most of all I want him to love me for me and want to be with me as much as I want to be with him, and be willing to drop anything if I need him.

Well isn't that the poster child for proverbial emotional throw up? Please, hold your applause, I'll be here till friday, then theres no telling where I'll be. Thank you, thank you. You're really too kind. (If you can't tell I'm having a kinda shitty day in the emotions and feels department.)

On that note, I love you my lovelies, and if I do end up going away in the spur of the moment I won't leave you, I promise.

Have a good night, and sweet dreams beautiful,

xoxo

BUSYBUSYBUSY

Hello my lovelies,

I'm sorry I've been so busy, school is taking over my life right now. Tonight I have to babysit my kiddos (they aren't really mine, long story) and I don't know if I'll have the chance to write a long heartfelt and thoughtful blog, but I love you people so much I don't want to leave you with nothing. I want to give you your fix, so here's the second chapter to 21st Century Breakdown, as promised.

I'm so good to you people, you have to love me <3

Voilà!

Chapter 2

When Christian finally woke up, the first thing he noticed was the massive headache he had. What had happened? Where was he? So many unanswered questions. As he sat up, he realized he was in a small room. It looked like an office, but it had a small cot, a toilet and a tray with a loaf of bread and a glass of water on it. Again, the question popped into his head; where was he? Suddenly, he head the lock click and the door swung open. There stood Gloria. She had changed out of her hooded cloak and was now wearing a red t-shirt, black jeans and converse.

“Where am I?” He paused, “Who ARE you?” 

“Well good morning to you too” Gloria laughed. “I do believe you’ve earned an introduction. I’m Gloria, the leader of the rebellious group called the Undertakers.” She replied.

“Where am I?” Christian repeated himself.

“You’re in one of the abandoned subways, deep beneath the streets of New York City.” Said a tall muscular man who appeared in the door way.

“This is Jakob, a longtime friend of mine.” Said Gloria, turning the same shade of red as her shirt.

“”I’m the head of weapondry and relocation.” The man replied to Christian’s questioning looks. “In other words, I get to clean up the mess and turmoil this little she-devil causes.” He continued, patting Gloria on the back; in which Gloria acknowledged the gesture by turning even redder.

“I know this is all very confusing and I know it will take sometime for it all to sink in, but I would like to ask you a few questions, ALONE.” Gloria responded after regaining her composure, aiming the last words directly at Jakob.

“Ok, ok. Just give me a sec and I’ll be out of your hair. The guys down at the med center just wanted me to tell our guest to take it easy for the next little bit, and they asked me to deliver his clothes.” Jakob finished, spitting the last words out like they were poison.

He flung the package of clothing at Christian, spun around on his heel and walked off without another word.

“So, what is it that you need to ask me?” Began Christian.

“Oh, just need to know a little bit about your family, your past and home life.” She replied.

“So basically, you want me to tell you my life story, in exchange for nothing?” Christian replied shortly.

“Would you agree to do it in exchange for my story?” Answered Gloria.

“I guess that’s a fair trade… But I want to know the entire story, don’t leave anything out.” He finished.

An hour or so later, Christian was transported blind folded to what seemed to be a room far beneath the surface of the earth. It was a small room, about five feet by ten feet. There were no windows, and in the middle of the room was a small recorder on a plastic table, with two empty chairs on either side. Standing on the far right hand corner was Gloria.

“What’re you waiting for, the end of the world? Go ahead and take a seat. We’ll start soon.” Was all she said.

After what seemed like an eternity, Gloria finally took her seat. She clicked on the tape recorder and simply said, “Tell me a little about your childhood.”

“I was born in Oakland, California,” Christian began. “When I was five my family and I moved to New York for my father’s work. I went to a normal school, and I didn’t have very many friends, and was pretty much always alone. I made my way through middles school and high school but dropped out in grade 11. My parents were disappointed, but let me live at home. They were grateful for the extra income, because my mom had been fired from her job. She worked as a waitress. I work at a car repair shop. Ever since I was  little I loved to take things apart and figure out how they work. I remember one time, when I was seven, my dad got a new television. While he was at work, I was somehow able to pry off the back panel and figure out how it worked.” Christian grinned and chuckled. “Man, the look he gave me when he got home, I was never allowed to touch that TV ever again!” Christian finished with a laughed.

“That was a good start, do you have any younger siblings?” Continued Gloria.

Christian’s face clouded over and he was silent for a few seconds. I seem to have struck a nerve, thought Gloria to herself. After a while, Christian began.

“I did have an older brother. He was only a year older than me. One day we were playing at the park, my mom had gone back home to do something, I don’t quite remember what it was anymore. We were playing on the seesaw, when a man approached us. He insisted that we had to come with him, that our father was in the hospital because he had gotten into a car accident. He told us he was a friend of our father’s. Immediately, I knew that something was wrong. I knew my dad had taken the car to work, like he did every morning. My brother asked the man if our mom knew about the accident, and if so why wasn’t she picking us up. The stranger insisted that she was already at the hospital, and that they told him to come get us. My brother gave me an assuring look, and that told me everything was going to be alright.” Christians voice broke, and he paused for a couple seconds, regaining his composure. “It was then that I’ll never forgive myself. My brother told me that he would go with the man, and make sure mom came back to get me. He was only trying to protect me… That was the last time I ever saw him… alive. His body was found in the woods, strangled, cuts and bruises all over his body. We had the funeral a couple days after he was found, but I was too young to understand that he was gone forever. His killer was never caught, and if he ever is found, then I’m going to make him pay.” Christian finished, balling his hands into fists and shaking his head slightly.

Gloria realized that she had lifted a weight off Christian’s shoulders, and she probably wasn’t going to get anything else out of him today.

As she stood up to leave, Christian stood up hastily, in the process knocking over the chair he had been sitting on a minute before.

“Hey! What happened to our deal? You still need to tell me your story!”

“You really don’t get it do you?” Gloria spat, while standing up. “My childhood was filled with hatred and neglect. I felt what no child should feel, alone. I was un-wanted. My mother always told me I was a mistake. My entire life was like that, until I started to ask myself what I had to live for. I started doing drugs. I dropped out of school. By the time I was fourteen my mom told me to get a job or get out. So I ran away. I thought that by running, my problems would all just go away. Guess what-they didn’t. My life was quickly going downhill. I started smoking. I got in trouble with the government on more than one occasion. Finally, I realized that I needed help. That’s when I met Jakob. He was an orphan, but he wanted to help the world, not destroy it like I did. He convinced me to go back to my mom’s house and ask her to forgive me. I never got the chance. When I returned home, everything was gone. The Peacemakers found out that she was my mother, and because I was in trouble with the law, killed her. That’s when I joined the rebellion. I had nowhere else to go, and that’s where I find myself now. Head of the rebellion squad, but I still can’t kick nicotine’s ass. “ She finished and took out a cigarette, lit it and took a deep breath in.

As she walked out the door, Christian found himself lost for words. So much had happened in the last couple of hours, it was hard to take it all in. Just before the darkness over took him again, he saw two big men dressed in black, coming to escort him back to his cell-like room.

 Later internet hipsters, bye bye <3

Amazingly Depressing Day

"You fall in love like you fall asleep, slowly, then all at once."

Hello my lovelies,

So today I finished the most amazingly beautiful horrifyingly sad book I think I’ve read in my short existence on this earth. That book is “The Fault in our Stars” by the lovely man known as John Green.

I literally sat down with half the book left, and cried until the end. This book made me CRY. It is so beautifully written and yet so sad and dark at the same time. You feel like you’re reading someone most intimate thoughts, treading upon sacred ground that no one should set foot on. It is raw, unedited emotion, speaking of love and death.

Now, I’m not going to spoil it for anyone, but I sincerely believe that they should use this book in schools. It has ALL the feels in it and I believe everyone can truly relate to it somehow.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I cried about this book. I cried the entire second half of it, then I went and took a shower and cried in the shower for a while.

Now there has to be something symbolic about a girl standing in the shower, bawling her eyes out and just letting the water fall endlessly over herself, allowing it to gently caress her face and wash the tears away. I stood there for quite a while, letting the tears roll down my cheeks, contemplating life and death in this world.

I haven’t done this since the day it  hit me that my grandpa was dead. Sometimes it just feels good to let the tears flow, because you’re too numb to do anything else. It’s one of those moments where it’s as if the brick wall of reality hits you and knocks you down, hard.

It’s one of those times, where you don’t want anyone’s sympathy. Sure it really does suck, but some nameless person telling you they’re sorry really doesn’t help. Like, you had no part in the cause of my pain, why are you of all people saying sorry? Sometimes, all you need to do is cry, and cry until you can’t cry anymore, then cry a bit more for good measure.

That’s one of the main reasons I hate wakes. A wake generally takes place in funeral home, which is one of the most sickening places on the earth. Think about it, they make a profit off people dying and their loved ones mourning.

In any case, a wake is when the dead person is stuffed with sawdust and made to look all nice, then shoved in a coffin and put on display.  Then the poor family of the diseased has to stand around in uncomfortable clothing, while trying not to cry and thanking people for coming to pay their respects to the dead person. It’s all very sad and a horribly depressing environment to be in.

In any case, the book is beautifully written, a real diamond in the rough in literature these days.

Later my internet hipsters, I love you <3