Wow, it's been like 9 months since I last posted here. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I'm really sorry.
SOOOOO much has happened, and so much has changed and I found myself lying in a friends bed staring out the large window both trying to muster up the internal strength to close the damn blinds because it was so sunny and thinking about the complexities of the universe.
Also kicking myself for not writing sooner.
I also came to the sudden realization that very soon it'll be a year since St. Jimmy walked into my life and then promptly walked out and slammed the door, and I mean, that wound should have healed but it seems to be still fresh just under the surface.
Yeah, yeah I know. He's a dick, and I don't need that negativity in my life wondering what if and if only, but I'm only human and I seem to do that with everything. It is one of my many flaws, I over analyze and think about situations until it drives me mad.
As for other changes, hmmm....
I started university, I mean that's pretty cool right? It's a lot of work, and really tiring but so much fun and most of all FREEDOM.
I can just get up and go for a walk in the middle of the night if I'm over thinking things and feel the cool air on my face and just, breath. I've met so many new people and made so many friendships I hope to keep and it's exhilarating and exciting and scary all at once. I've never been so physically close to so many people yet felt this alone, and I don't know if I like it or not.
And on a side note I walked in on my roommate having sex so I think I'll be taking a LOT more walks especially if she has boys around...
That's the thing tho, because we're "adults" (and I use that term very lightly, I still get my mom to do a lot of my laundry) there's SO much more sex that is happening. I don't want to sound jaded or whatever, but it doesn't really faze me anymore. Maybe it's from working the summer (where we had at least two incidents where people might have possibly had sex in our sauna) or the fact that I'm growing up and people always seem to be very open and honest with me, but sex is fairly common place now. I'm not complaining, and I feel like people take me more seriously now than they ever did, it's just a change I'm going to have to get used to.
I've also come to the epiphany that I don't need to keep people who make me feel bad about myself/my body/my emotional state/really anything about me in my life, and it have been VERY liberating.
I also find that I've moved on from the small pond of friends which I had in high school and I've grown as an individual through having to friend my own group of people which I WANT to hang out with. I still love June and Mickey to utter death, but a lot of the people I wanted to be around in high school I feel no need to talk or see them anymore. I'll say it now and I'll say it again, with a lot of those people the relationship felt one sided, and a lot of the time it felt like I was the one out of the two of us that was going through the motions and not going anywhere.
As the amazingly beautiful Billie Joe Armstrong said so eloquently,
"We're living in repetition.
Content in the same old shtick again.
Now the routine's turning to contention,
Like a production line going over and over and over, roller coaster.
Now I cannot speak, I've lost my voice.
I'm speechless and redundant.
'Cause I love you's not enough.I'm lost for words."
That is honestly how I felt the home stretch of high school and I'm so happy it's over and I can move on with my life. But at the same time it's bitter sweet and I will miss all those who did mean something to me at a point of time in my life. I wish them all the best in their future, wherever it may take them,and if they wish to reconnect at some point they know exactly where to find me.
That's all for now my darling little internet hipsters, I love you so and I wish you a good evening.
All my love,
-Caitlin xoxoxoxo
PS. extra hugs and kisses because I've been away for so long, and I promise I'll be back again very soon <3 xoxoxoxoxoxo
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