Dead Fish

Hello my lovelies,

Today I want to take the time to talk about mental health. Personally, I really do believe in order to be healthy and happy you need to be both physically and mentally healthy. There's no real physical proof of depression and most other mental illnesses because we still don't fully understand the inner workings of the brain.

It is mostly because of this that some people believe that mental illnesses are all made up. There is no proof that there is mechanically something wrong with your brain, so just suck it up and deal with it.

Stop being so depressed, there's nothing to be sad about.

It makes me so mad when people say that. You can't control how you feel. Hell, even the smartest scientists have no fucking clue how to do that.

I wouldn't say I have depression. Of course I've never taken the time to look into it, but I've survived this far. Not without some difficulties, mind you, but I've survived none the less. It's very difficult to explain how I feel sometimes. The easiest way to explain it to people, I've found is to refer to my feelings as fish.

Some days the fish are alive and well, they're swimming around and just having a dandy time in Fishland. Other days, it's not that simple. I get periods of time, usually a week or two, where the fish are just dead. There's nothing you can do to help them, they're already very dead. You can't give them CPR because rigor mortis has already set in. Talking about the fish, or trying to communicate with the fish isn't going to help them either. "Y'know it would be really great if you weren't dead and all, we can talk about your deadness, and figure out how to fix it and make it better." Like, as much as I adore discussing my fish with people, them telling me to suck it up, or to just ignore it doesn't help. Another thing I hate is when people just try and get me to use my fish when they're dead. Like, dude. They're VERY much dead, and them being dead and all makes it very difficult for them to function and all, because they're DEAD.

I'm not quite sure why this happens. Who really knows, I guess. Another thing that I seem to suffer from is an irrational fear of social interaction. I know I joke about it all the time, but meeting new people is a fairly stressful event for me. I adore meeting people at first. I love talking to them, and getting close, but if I sit down and start thinking about something, my mind just races and I freak myself out.

I don't mean like "Oh, there appears to be a dark shadow behind my curtain, OH MY GOD IT HAS TO BE A SERIAL KILLER." type thing, more like if I'm texting someone, and they don't text back I get very nervous and I guess anxious about it. I begin blaming myself for their absence and it just continues on a downward spiral until I break down and text them. It's horrible, and it makes me seem so clingy and annoying and I really hate it.

Another big thing is the fact that I genuinely believe that for emotions and stuff I don't have a filter, to decide what I should and shouldn't say. For example, if I like someone, I'm going to bloody tell them, regardless of if they like me back or not. It's just the way I am. Most people seem to think this straight forwardness is weird or creepy or clingy, but I really don't mean it to be. I'm just doomed to be socially awkward for the rest of my life, I guess.

I've also noticed that for the most part, or my experience at least, it's the fairly attractive people who have these kind of problems. Maybe it's just me, but for the most part the physically attractive people I've come in contact with are at least more open about their mental health than people who aren't, or consider themselves unattractive. I guess that makes sense, because in order to be able to talk about these types of things with others, you have to have fairly high self confidence.

I swear, I'm the biggest walking contradiction. I'm totally confident and I jump into things and I don't care what others think until I stop and actually process these things and then I'm freaked the fuck out and can't deal with it. I really do put myself in the worst situations...

On that note, good night my fluffy dolphins, sweet dreams and I love you <3